Sitting in the library. Nothing to do. I miss Bryce I can't stop thinking about him. I feel guilty. Guilty for not trying to help him. Guilty for never staying with him overnight when he asked me to. Guilty for not waiting up for that call.

Today I visited Bryce's grave. When I think of him I feel so confused. I wish that I had distinct feelings for him, but I don't. I'm so mixed up in my head. I don't know if he really loved me or if he was just using me. Deep down I know he cared for me. He wanted to keep me out of the hospital. He really helped me stay sane. I think that's what I miss the most. He kept me relaxed and calm. At the time, nobody else could do that. I remember the day he took me to his Grandparents house. He went surfing and I relaxed on the beach. I went swimming with his Dad. Bryce broke a board that wasn't his.. he was borrowing it. We were very intimate. I miss that. He was a good kisser. Ugh... I miss him. I haven't had a good cry in a long time. It seems like I'm mourning in pieces... a little tear here and there. But I haven't balled my eyes out yet. I know it's coming.

I have the car back now. It's nice to drive. I feel pretty stable. It would be nice to get off Geodon. I think I'd lose weight easier while on it. Right now I weigh 220 pounds!! That's way too much... 70 pounds gained in the past year.. It's too much. I gotta do something!!

November

This is the month when things start to feel cozy. I love autumn. Lately I've been feeling good. I have more energy during the day which is good. So most days I don't need a nap.

I've been missing Bryce. I'm listening to Eminem cuz he was listening to him a lot right before he passed away. I'm reaching for anything to remind me of him. I don't care if some people think he used me. I know that the time I spent with him was precious. I was there for him through his sober living home experience. We were friends before lovers. When I he became my official boyfriend I wanted to make him happy and continue being his friend. There is so much I wish I could've told him. But the memories. He called me cutie. When people were dissing me he helped me get over it. He helped me through depression. He made me smile. His dimples. His beautiful blue eyes. His attitude. His love for Silverstrand. Awhile back I had a dream that I was holding him. Hopefully I can have another dream like that. I want to talk to him. Be with him.

I wonder if he really loved me. I wonder if I really loved him. I wonder if it was real.

Falling into Place

My life is different now. I live in a group home. I live with other people who have psychological disorders. So far I like it. I like being away from my parents, I like being able to leave when I want to and I like having my own room. I've decorated it with a theme of black, white and purple. I really love it.

My parents are being very helpful. We're on good terms right now. I like being away from them. I think that's the reason why we're so happy--- there is space.

I feel like things have changed for the better. I feel like a new person.

Still trying to stay close with my girlfriends.

I want to get a job.

Pastel Pastries

Millipede

Yesterday I tried to apply one of my glow in the dark temporary tattoos and it wouldn't work it just slid right off my skin. I think it was the Jergens lotion. I wanted it on my foot.

Rubio

www.gwenstefani.com

www.siamusic.net
When I was younger I wanted to have short blonde hair. I think I saw a girl in a magazine. I think I liked the way that blonde hair makes girls look pure and clean.

This is all very interesting because my last name is Rubio and it means blonde in Spanish.

tata for now ;-)

This halloween I want to be Princess Peach. I'm going to need a blonde wig, a pink dress, blue contacts, blue earrings, pink shoes, white gloves and.....

a whole lot of disposable income.

If not this year, then next year. I am set on it.

Girlfriends

I've made a promise to myself to work extra hard at building and maintaining my girl-friendships. Yesterday I had a great time with Piper and Sarah. We went to Nature's Grill in downtown Ventura. It was so nice to talk and laugh about Bryce and other things. Piper has known Bryce since they were little. They did Jr. Lifeguards together. I felt blessed to be able to have this time with friends. For so long all I've really wanted is to have good friends. Sarah is also one of my best friends she's helped me through all of my ups and downs. I just wanna cherish her. We're thinking about getting celibacy promise rings together. We are both tired of stupid guys. Haha!!!

So yesterday was a good day.

I also have to say that my friends Jaime and Lewis are good friends too. They give me great advice. Jaime tried to warn me that I am in a vulnerable state. He was right. But I am working on that problem. I'm gonna do something with my life. Lewis reminded me to be respectful to my parents and to care about my life.

Yesterday Jaime helped me buy some candles for Bryce. A guardian angel and a mango-mandarin. Because Bryce loved mango. The last time I was with him I bought him a mango smoothie from Robeks. =)

I feel grateful for my family. I talked with my aunt Norma and cousin Crystal. I'm very lucky to have relatives that I can talk to.

I am laughing listening to Lil Wayne.

RIP BRYCE

10.20.90-9.5.09

Boyfriend

My Mom got this for me yesterday. I love mermaids.

A board that Gabe had.

The campfire.

A picture at the restaurant we went to in SB.

I was taken to Vista Del Mar again. I was at school in Mind-Body Flexibility class. I guess I was acting strange. I don't really want to get into the details of it. It's in the past now I really just wanna get over it. I'm doing pretty good now. I'm taking Geodon, Lithium and Cogentin. I feel that it's really important that I take the meds. I want to stay out of the hospital. My doctor says that if I keep relapsing I'll end up in one of those group home situations. So I'm taking the meds.

The night before the hospitalization I was camping in Santa Barbara with a guy I just met that same day. Looking back, I feel stupid for doing that. But I got to try the best banana pancakes in the universe.

Anyway. I want to work part time so today I turned in a few applications. I am taking one class at VC. It's world history. I'm taking it easy. Just trying to make my life flow better. So one class and a part-time job.

My parents say that they will help me move out in Dec/Jan after the next few months of good behavior and responsibility. It's exciting. I want to do good.

My mom and I are getting closer. It feels good to be close to family.

I am a girlfriend now. His name is Bryce. We are happy together. =)

Riding-- Not Running

Today I rode my bike like everywhere. Not everywhere, but many places. First, I went to the beach with my friend Bridget. Well first I met her at the park where I ate an orange. We rode down 5th Street. We walked to the power plant. We saw the most interesting crabs and many other things. They were not very photogenic, the crabs. I took many pictures. Bummer because those crabs were so awesome looking. We even saw one missing an arm. People leave the most random things at the beach. =)) Little toy boat? little chair? I was waiting for a little kid to pop out from the spot.

We saw an apartment for rent over on Neptune Square. A guy was there so I went in and talked to him. I also took pictures of it. My friend Gordy is interested in renting it with me. I like the location, it's perfect for me.

So she went home, then I realized I had to sell more ads for the VC volleyball program. So I stopped at Speedy's and then at Ray's Barber Shop. My cell phone did something really magical. Then I went home and ate some nectarines.

Then, off to sell more ads. Meanwhile, I peeped into the coolest furniture store. It's called Uniquely Thai. www.usauniquelythai.com

Then Sarah picked me up and we went to go see the apartment that I mentioned. Leo's plumbing service was there. (haha) Also, I spoke to the landlord... Prem? Then we went to Downtown Ventura. Walked around. [the new Urban Outfitters is awesome] Then we ate at Nature's Grill. She had a vegetarian tamale and I had a falafel wrap thing. It was good. We stopped at Mary's Secret Garden also.

Then we went home.

This evening I spent time with Andrew. While on Harbor we saw the fireworks from the fair. We had to go to Ventura to drop off his sister and brother so we went downtown. I wanted to go to Palermo's but it was closed. So we went to the Busy Bee Cafe. (garden burger and lemonade--I was starving)

I bumped into my old friend Lewis. What a pleasant surprise!!!! =))

Home by midnight.

Gladiola

http://www.babiesonline.com/flowersbirthmonth/Gladiola.asp

Discoveries

The Seafarers - Sea of Love from Eighty Four Films on Vimeo.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/114910219

Dead Things

Hello. Yesterday I saw a lot of dead things. First I'm at the beach and I see this dead crab. One of many dead crabs and little sand crabs. Then later I see a dead seal? I think that's what it is. It's head was all eaten. You can see the skull. I guess seagulls like to eat brains.

Later I went to my friend Nancy's house. And she had a trail of ants to her sink so she sprayed them with cleaner spray and they died. They were all wet and blurry. Where Nancy lives there are wild artichokes but she had an artichoke plant in the front

yard. The plant looks dead but the flower is beautiful.

Notice there is a bee in the picture. We talked about how bee populations are diminishing and how it could be very fatal if things get worse. I think I'll blog on this topic later. I need to do some research. As far as I know, it's important for people to support organic bee farms because they really take care and maintain the bee populations. But then I hear that we can do what bees do with our technology. So maybe it would be good if they died off. Then people wouldn't get stung and we'd create jobs.

We also went to the Ventura mall farmer's market and I saw these flowers. Here I am again, crazy about flowers. These were potted. Alive.

It was a good day.

Liquid Sunshine

Today I realized that looking over my myspace status message history is a good way to gauge my ups and downs. Looky here: http://friends.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=profile.friendmoods&friendId=418876004&filter=1

A timeline of my police interventions/hospitalizations...

April 27th - Parents call police. I'm at the beach in Ventura by the pier at a surf competition. They come and talk to me, take me to Vista del Mar. I didn't understand that's where I was going. I thought officer Hartson was taking me to a women's clinic.

May 24th - I call police because my Dad physically won't let me leave the house. Police think I'm on drugs and do tests on me. Handcuffed and taken to Vista del Mar against my will.

July 6th - Police find me walking around Oxnard Shores. After getting on top of the cop car, handcuffed and taken to Hillmont then transferred to Henry Mayo Newhall.

I have been feeling good lately. I am taking lithium. 600mg at night. I have been taking lithium since Henry Mayo. I'm exercising, eating well and talking to and spending time with my friends. My parents don't want me to go out late at all this week because they want to know they can trust me. The other night I came home too late and they were really angry and disappointed. Now I cannot drive the car. School starts in a week. I'm probably gonna carpool with Sarah until I regain car privileges. I changed my schedule. Now I'm taking College Algebra, English V01B, World History, kickboxing and a mind/body flexibility class. Still not sure about volleyball. I'd like to play on the team, but I'm not sure if I meet the eligibility requirements so we'll see what's up in a few days.

Yesterday I made this smoothie, I call it "Liquid Sunshine". It was hot yesterday. I spent the day riding around on my bike. I went to the beach and tanned. It was very nice. A lot of kids on the beach. I felt like a grown up... Then I went with Sarah to get sushi and hang out in downtown Ventura. It was a good day. Not really a good night. When I tried to go out my dad wouldn't let me. Soooo frustrating.

Here's the recipe:

-1 cup fresh orange juice

-1 cup sparkling lime essence water

-1.5 cup frozen mango

-tbsp raw honey

-love

It was the best smoothie I've had in a long time. Very, very refreshing...

Today I Feel Good

I don't know why exactly, but today I woke up and I felt happy. I'm saying to myself: this is the beginning of the end of my depression. wait... no.

[[This is the first day of my happy life.]]

School is around the corner really. It's less than 2 weeks away. Now that I am "happy" I feel more confident to go back to school. I realize that I had goals and dreams before I had my episodes. I can't give up on them now. I can't wait to get back into a routine. Lately I have nothing to really do. I go to a support group once a week. Therapy once a week. And I take Wellness and Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) classes twice a week. When I start school I will have something to do everyday and I think that will really help me gain back some sanity.

I thought about my diet and now I've realized that I need to focus on what I am leaving out of my diet as well as what my staple foods are. So, I'm making a list like I do..

Stuff I usually don't eat..

-Dairy Products

-Vegetable Oil, Canola Oil, etc.

-Meat

-White flour

-White sugar

-Anything with harmful preservatives or additives

-Anything with MSG

Stuff I eat everyday..

-Fruit--duh!

-Fruit Smoothies

-Coconut oil

-Green smoothies

-Salads

So yep that about summarizes it.

Flying Fish!!

I want to be invisible. I need to lose 50 pounds. I feel so fat. I eat and eat.

I stay inside and watch movies and cooking shows. My mind is empty. Nothing is interesting. I am boring.

I'm thinking I'm in no condition to take classes this fall. Maybe I should take a semester off. So I can keep being this way?

I can lose 50 pounds by the end of this year. I can go back to raw vegan. Or I can do a high protein low-carb diet. I can be vegetarian. I can do calorie restriction. I am cringing just thinking about going on another stupid diet. Dieting. Story of my life.

Summer is supposed to be fun. This is officially the worst summer of my life. 3 hospitalizations. 50 pounds of weight gained. Leo is an asshole. I want to punch him in the face. But I never will.

The best part of my summer so far.... (to be positive) was seeing those flying fish and letting my imagination run wild.

Was is worth it? All of the thrills from my relapses of mania? I think it was. But I don't want to do it again. I want to put my life back together and live normally. No more hallucinations. As cool as it was to see Michael Jackson dancing on the moon... or to read about people's past lives.. or to be 1/2 of God on an internet portal that controlled the world... or to have the demons released from my body.... or to see without my contacts... None of that compares to the stable life... right? uggh I guess.

I still like to think I am magical. Or at least exceptionally special.

Now I just need to forget about how much I weigh. Maybe I can go to school. Just wear dresses and sweaters that hide my weight. I. Don't. Know. I am so self conscious. Even my face looks fat. I don't wanna be in front of all those people who look way better than me. Gosh I am so selfish.

Ok. Just breathe. Everything is going to be fine.

Riding Around

When I woke up today my stomach felt nice and flat. My body is still adjusting to cooked food but for the most part I feel pretty good. Every morning I have a huge fruit smoothie. For lunch or dinner I eat salad and whatever my parents are eating. They are vegetarian. Yesterday I ate yummy soy chorizo, egg and bean burritos. Next time I will take a picture to post here.

Since I have so much free time this summer I can spend time creating dishes in the kitchen. ((vegetarian dishes))

Sometimes I feel lonely. Today I went to lunch with my friends Amanda and Sarah. When I see them I feel at home. But something is missing. I can't pinpoint it. I am resisting something.

I'm drinking a Synergy Botanic #3 Kombucha.

I am obsessed with mermaids lately. I am infatuated with the ocean and I secretly wish I could be a mermaid and live in water... with other mermaid friends of course.

Today I paid for my classes at VC. I am taking cultural anthropology, philosophy: critical thinking and analytical writing, social and behavioral statistics, yoga and volleyball.

I am super excited about volleyball.

Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist's nurse practictioner. I told her how they gave me Ativan in the hospital. And I told her how things are very frustrating at home. So she gave me a prescription for it and now I can take it as needed. I doubt I will. Who knows?

A couple days ago I met Catie of Catie's Organic Greens. She told me that I would benefit from some of her products like the natural magnesium. I really admire her because she started her own company and she's independent and assertive. Someday I will be like that I think. It is my destiny. A bunch of famous people use her formulas. They taste good.

Today I rode my bike around the hood just for the hell of it. Riding my pink and burgundy bike around in my cute dress. Just cruisin. I feel happy but I'm not going anywhere. Just riding around and around. I think I'll keep doing this until it gets old.

What is my Problem??

In my mind I make up stories and they make me feel good. I think that he is loyal and dedicated. I make believe that he knows I'm the one and I pretend that I am the best girlfriend ever and he tells all of his friends that I'm the shit. And we are madly obsessed with eachother. We always want to make love and kiss and cuddle and we can't get enough. We are both hard working, responsible people but when we have free time we're all over eachother. We appreciate eachother's work. We know that what we do is meaningful work and that we're bringing inspiration to our community. We collaborate together. Sometimes we are far apart when we work but we both know that when we meet up again it will be just as special and exciting as before. We love children and we love our family. We are the perfect example of what true love inspired by the divine really is. It's all I ever imagined love would be. It's true... Damn where is this guy??? Obviously he hasn't found me yet.

Manic with a Camera

grilled cheese with avocado

A few days ago the cops got me again. Somehow I ended up standing on top of the cop car. Once they got me down they handcuffed me and it hurt really bad. I told them to take me to the Lab in El Rio. But of course they took me to the hospital. Since they weren't sure about out my insurance they sent me to Hillmont, the county hospital. I smoked a cigarette there. But I was pretty manic so they gave me anti-psychotics. Then they shipped me to The Henry Mayo Hospital in Santa Clarita because my insurance went through. I was there for about a week. It was not bad. The food was actually really good. They had pineapple. Anyway, now I'm trying to figure out how to get by. My parents don't want to pay my phone bill, tuition or credit card anymore so I'm gonna try to figure out how to make some money. Also, I am applying for disability benefits so hopefully that goes through. I want this...



Toyota Camry Hybrid 2010.....so I can drive to work and school.

Syncronicities

i have more pics to post but my computer is being dumb.... these are from last night.

What I believe

This is a turning point in my life.

If I do not take pharmaceutical drugs

then my parents will take away

my car,

college tuition,

books,

cell phone

and credit card

What is most important?

I'm seeking wisdom...

Dennis My Uncle

I'm still not fruitarian, 811 or even raw-vegan right now. I've been eating cooked food a lot.

I hate drugs. I hate anti-psychotics. I hate mood stablilizers. They should be called mood suppressors. Or "ultimate spiritual awakening and personal awakening of a lifetime suppressors". I hate psychiatrists. I hate bipolar disorder. I hate men who are too busy working. I hate women who hate other women because of men. I hate it when rumors are spread. I hate it when rumors are true. I hate it when people think bipolar disorder can be cured with medication. I hate it when people think bipolar disorder can be cured with diet. I hate how my mania was ended with strong drugs. I hate police. I hate living with my parents. I hate being overweight. I hate being ego-centric. I hate how I use my body to get what I want. I hate people who can live their lives without taking medication. I hate it when people think bipolar disorder is just about mood swings. I hate how anti-psychotics are used so much in hospitals. I hate how much the medications hurt me in the hospital. I hate how I was victimized. I hate how I didn't have a choice. I hate how I was handcuffed. I hate how I didn't understand. I hate that I wasn't smarter. I hate how I thought I was going to be saved but I wasn't. I hate how I got angry even though I know I had the right to express that anger. I hate how I am too much for some people to handle. I hate how I am a burden.

I have a serious condition.

I hate how I have no energy. I hate how my family doesn't undersand the full story. I hate this blog. I hate my body. I hate my skin. I hate people who say depression can be cured. I hate the word "cure". I hate feeling like I'm on drugs. I want to be off drugs. I don't care if I relapse. I hate the way this feels. I want to escape.

I am not crazy. I know I'm special. I know that only 1 in 100 people are diagnosed bipolar. I know not everyone really knows what it's like to be manic or depressed even though a lot of people think they know. I wish somebody would have saved me. I wish some perfect man would come and take me away to some safe place with alkaline water and healing greens and put me to sleep in a natural environment instead of the dumb hospital. I wish I knew then what I know now: If I calmly inform the workers at the hospital that I'm feeling angry and I need to punch a pillow then they won't think I'm trying to hurt myself and they won't sedate me. Damn... I wish they knew that I was not trying to hurt myself or anyone else. I was only manic. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I wasn't suicidal. I felt very spiritual really. What is wrong with that?

Do I want to be on medication for the rest of my life? Do I want to be on medication until I live on my own? Is medication really that bad? Is it the medication that's making me sleepy all the time? Or is it just all in my head? Did I eat crappy food all these weeks because of the situation? Did I gain the weight because of the medication? Maybe both?

Was my manic episode triggered because of detox? Was I detoxing heavy metals? Am I super toxic? I know it's genetic.

My mom is someone who I'd consider spiritually deficient. I wonder sometimes if she'd be more optimistic and spontaneous if she wasn't mentally suppressed with alcohol and lithium her whole life.

I wonder how long it's going to take to lose all the fat I've packed on. I guess I should tweak my diet a little to alter my metabolism to burn fat faster. Small meals I guess. I have a good 25 pounds to lose before I'm teeny bikini worthy. Let's see... that will take a summer of cardio and intense squatting and lunging and crunching.

Still trying to figure out what kind of diet is best for me. I know I need to be cautious in this area. I'd like to stay vegan and eat a lot of water-rich fruits and veggies. I also want to drink a lot of coconut water. I want to eat gluten-free meals once in awhile... like Thai food, which I love!

****

I think that the government surpresses us "crazy" people because they don't want us to overpower the world and ultimately dissolve the government... because truthfully... if all of us joined together then we would inevitably create world peace and universal understanding and cooperation and the government wouldn't be able to profit anymore.

I have an uncle who is schizophrenic and he's institutionalized. I talked about him with my mom the other day. I guess he was really intelligent, got great grades in school and even played the guitar really well. His condition started getting in the way of things in his teens. He would hear voices and get very angry and punch holes in the walls. Somehow he got into the military despite this. And then he ended up institutionalized cuz it was pretty severe. There's a lot of gaps in this story I know. My mom didn't tell me much about it. I want to ask my grandma about it. I also want to visit him. I wonder if people like him could offer a lot to the world if they weren't blocked off.

I want fruit again

It's official, I want to be a fruit eater again. I want to be 100% raw--again. Cooked food is alright once in a blue moon, but raw is where I want to be, more and more. I know I'm transitioning and everything so it's good to allow some cooked food in there, but after a weeks of cooked food, I'm starting to feel pretty crappy. When I eat raw, my mouth is moist and clean, my skin is clear and glowing, my digestion is great, and I have lots of energy. I basically feel great.

What is really good, only I know. Riiight?? I deserve the best and I deserve to fuel my body with the purest of foods. So here I go again, on another raw adventure. I know I go back and forth on this...but I really want to feel good. Lately I've been getting cramps and pains after eating cooked food and I really don't feel good. I also feel dehydrated and sluggish. I smell funny too. I don't want to start buying deoderant again. When I'm raw I don't need it.

I've been depressed lately. I don't want to kill myself or anything. But I feel lame for gaining weight. I call myself "fatty" now. I want to lose weight fast. If I gained it fast then I can lose it fast. That's what I think. I am also working on a lot of resentment that I have towards fat people. For so long I look down on them. But now I try to know what it's like sort of. And I try to understand. But at the same time, I must do something about it. I can't just be sympathetic.... I must be proactive. But it's hard when I'm on an anti-psychotic. Risperdal is hell. It is for schizophrenic people and even autistic people. I think that maybe I am somewhat crazy, but I don't deserve this medication. This is my life. I must be in control. I know I'm not a weak person. I can be strong.............. I am strong. I should be off Risperdal by Monday, that's when I see my psychiatrist. Right now I am taking 1mg. I am prescribed 4mg.

I am angry at my doctor. I think he mistreated me in the hospital. I want to do something about it. He made me take drugs that sedated me pretty bad. I could barely verbalize that I was in pain. My muscles got very stiff and it was very painful. I cried and prayed for the pain to go away. I practiced affirmations too. But then I got muscle relaxers and the pain went away. Then I was just a zombie.

Something tells me it wasn't fair. I wondered if there was some sort of karmic reason that I felt so bad. Like maybe I felt so horrible because I disrespected my parents. But part of me thinks that my doctor really was trying to do his best. My parents too.

People are so stupid. How do I love someone who thinks drugs are the best therapy for me? I don't know how I do it sometimes. Life gets twisted. Everyone is telling me I need drugs. I think I need a bigger outlet of self-expression. I know I am an artist. I use my mind more than my body. Maybe that's why I'm crazy.

When I make enough money, I will get off drugs and use other therapies. I don't want to be on pharmaceutical drugs forever. Right now I am on a contract and I must stay on drugs unless I can support myself. So right now I have my mind on getting a college degree so that I can support myself as soon as possible.

Brazilian dance class starts on Monday. I'm very excited... This will help me lose weight. I want to lose enough weight by my birthday. I don't care about numbers. I will shape myself into good proportions. I'll make myself a strong core. But where I am now is okay too. I am happy being who I am. Gaining weight is a small price to pay. I could be dead.

I wish someday I can know what love is and experience it everyday. I try to love people but it always makes me look stupid. I feel so naive all the time. And I annoy people. I felt very spiritual when I was manic. But I also feel like I did so many stupid things. Now I feel so numb. I just want to listen to music. I just want to understand............ in silence. I want to listen now. I want someone to show me that everything is okay. Not by telling me, "everything is okay" but by showing me. Setting me free with beautiful art. I want to explore it. I want it to be weird. I want to break rules. But it has to be real. No fakers or liars.

I had a dream last night. I was washing my face and I couldn't breathe. Two guys were standing over me just staring. They were just observing me, they didn't know I couldn't breathe though.

When I was in the hospital I had a dream that I was drowning in a puddle of water. I felt heavy and I coudn't move. I just buried my face in the water.

Anyway.... I want fruit forever. And green salads... I love baby spinach too. I want to be a good role model for people. Despite everything..... I still want to be a raw vegan. I still choose life as lame as that sounds.... I want to be raw and experience life as a raw foodist. I belong where I am.

Blaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

yummy mango

I fought the law

There is so much to say now. Memories are just pouring out. The night I was admitted to the hospital, I had a urinary tract infection. Why? I'll leave that part out. But I was having manic tendencies that night. I woke up around 2am and it burned really bad. I was wide awake and it really burned. I felt so vulnerable. I went into my parents room and told them because I knew I was gonna be downstairs anyway and my dad would probably wake up to see what I was doing anyway because he is like that. They were all paranoid and it got me more frustrated because they were assuming that I was really not in my right mind. But I was. I got mad and I wanted to leave. I didn't feel safe in my own home. My parents might as well be holding the syringe of Haldol. They are that medication inclined. So I wanted to leave because I was annoyed with how they treated me. Not concerned with what I was saying but more concerned with keeping me inside. I wanted to go outside. I wanted to be outside and walk around. I know it was 2am. But I wanted to go outside because I wanted to take a walk. Because when I walk the UTI goes away. Exercise helps. I know that sounds crazy but if you had paranoid parents you'd want to take that walk away from them. I realize this is all very symbolic of me moving out on my own. I'm so ready to leave my parents. They want to take care of me and I just want to leave and be on my own. But they pay the bills and tuition and food so it's not easy to leave. Money is stupid like that. So then I realized that I am 19 years old and technically, if I wanted to take a walk I could. It's perfectly legal. And my parents can't stop me because I'm of age. So my dad is standing in front of the front door. I'm furious. He would block me when I tried to step out. Over and over again. So then I made the most stupid mistake. I called 911. I told them that my dad was not letting me leave and that I had a urinary tract infection. I know that sounds really funny. But it was true. They came. They listened to everything my parents told them. They thought I was on drugs. Fuck! It was so stupid. They did little tests on me. Like staring at the sky, counting to 30, dumb shit like that. I told them I was thirsty and that I needed water to flush out my system. They handcuffed me and put me in the backseat of the cop car. Meanwhile I am yelling "Fuck you, fuck the cops!!" at the top of my lungs. They are so stupid. Now I am so mad. I am yelling at them through the closed window. By then there are about 5 or so cops, male cops, just staring me from the outside. Just staring like dumb fools. Trying to figure out why I'm mad... nope. Just trying to figure out where to take me. Dumb guys should have known I was just trying to drink some water and take a walk so that my infection would get better. It burned so bad when I was locked in there. I just wanted some water. By then there are tears down my face. I am yelling still. Screaming at them. Yelling insults. They just stand there with their hand on their hips. I am wearing my little black dress. Bamboo fabric from Metro Park. It is getting hiked up and I'm not wearing underwear. I can't pull it down because I'm cuffed really tight. I don't trust them. They just stand there. Stupid assholes. Then the lady cop gets in the car to drive me somewhere. She is nice to me. I ask her if we can listen to KPFK. We are going to Vista but I don't protest against it. I tell her that you can't get the station at Vista Del Mar. I ask her why. I'm frustrated yet calm. I want people to know how I feel. I feel strong. When we get to Vista Del Mar. I talk to Lester. He is really nice to me. But he is only with me for a little while. I remember talking to an asian man who is chubby. He says he is a vegetarian. I ask him why he's fat. Then later I apologized for being so rude. I rage in the time out room for several hours. Until morning. Then I get out and I meet John Morio Sakagutchi. He was there when I was hospitalized the time before, about a month ago. I'm trippin out because he is there. He helps me a bit, we laugh. He is very smart. I keep on seeing people's tattoos. There is a girl there with a very beautiful tattoo on her arm. I compliment her. By this time it's like 6 or 7am. Time is not an object it just flies by. I don't remember sleeping. But I felt safe. Until they sedated me. Then I felt like I was dying. It's not justified.

After Math

So..... it was a horrible experience but I met a lot of cool people. I'm talking about the hospital and the manic episode. You can tell from my previous posts that I was well caught up in my little world. It's kind of embarrassing but I'm gonna leave those posts up because they are the truth of what I was feeling during that time. I know they are very random. Anyhow, lately i've been thinking about the future. I'm very excited because my family is allowing me to take a summer class at Santa Monica College this summer. It is a Brazilian dance class and I'm very excited for it. I love to dance. This is the first college dance class I've taken. I've taken classes in a dance studio and I dance in clubs, but never in a college class. I'm really gonna go all out and really give it my time and attention. It's all i've got now. It's my outlet, my inspiration to keep going and truck through my madness. My parents are allowing me to take this class and it's a wonderful step in the right direction for me because it gives me some independence. A taste of freedom. I must be grateful. but lately my mom has been bothering me. We are so different. I know she loves me and wants the best for me. The problem is that we both have ideas of what is best. So there are problems. But I feel it is nothing that we both can't get through. I love her always even if I snap sometimes, I know I love her. I'll try to be more flexible with our relationship and really listen to what she is trying to tell me.

Now I haven't brought up diet or food yet. My diet is really random lately. The Risperdal that I'm currently tapering off of is giving me some problems. First off, it makes my arms and body ache to the point where I want to cry. Then it also makes me want to shovel food down my throat. I've gained about 20 pounds in a matter of a little over 2 weeks. A lot of it is water weight but a lot of it isn't. A lot of it is just fat in my belly area and on my thights and butt. I'm fine with having a bigger butt. But my belly is what grosses me out. I wish I could get that cellulite treatment where they vibrate the fat away. But I know that is not in order so I'll have to exercise and do a lot of ab work. The brazilian dancing should do wonders..... =) ......Yay! So anyway, to get an idea of how much i'm eating and how non-vegan, non-raw the food is, yesterday I ate: 2 small champagne mangoes, 2 nectarines, cup of spicy edamame, 1/2 of an egg roll, a cucumber seaweed side salad, an avocado sushi roll, 3 bowls of high fiber cereal with soy milk, a huge veggie burrito from Chipotle, a small fries from Wendy's, a small frosty, and about 2 cups of ice cream with kit-kat and Reeses peanut butter cups in a chocolate dipped waffle cone from Marble Slab creamery. Totally not vegan. Definitely not raw. In the hospital I actually ate a whole philly cheese steak sandwich. Strangely, I don't feel too guilty, but I'm trippin out that I actually ate it. It's like I'm a whole different person. I know deep down I don't want to eat dairy or meat. I do want to eat fruit. I really do. I'm in the process of refining my diet once again and developing a plan I can stick to. How about fruit for breakfast and lunch and then a large salad and cooked, mostly gluten-free, vegan meal for dinner? That sounds ideal to me. I love to cook. I want to cook fabulous vegan meals. Right now I have my mind on a vegan fettucine alfredo that I want to make. The recipe calls for refined coconut oil. Speaking of oils... I want to eat a lot of good fats for my brain. So an example of a perfect day would look like this...
breakfast: a whole canteloupe
lunch: 4 peaches with honey, then a cucumber salad with chile pineapple walnut dressing and avocado (this is mostly fruit... cucumber is a fruit, avocado is a fruit)
dinner: a large garden salad with tahini dressing and a side of brown rice or quinoa fettucine with a creamy garlicky oniony rice milk sauce and added peas
Sounds good right???
I think it's a good compromise to eat this way for now. Cooking brings such joy to me. And I love cooking large portions to share with family and friends. Later down the road I might jump back on the raw train, but for now this is what I want to do. I know it will make me happy. It is the best of both worlds.

So I have a few goals for the future that I want to map out a bit. I guess I'll make a list.

1. In 1 year, finish those 3 classes so I can transfer to a university.
2. Work as a paid model.
3. Tone and shrink my belly and keep my butt.
4. Dance.
5. Move to Santa Monica by the time fall semester starts at SMC (late August).
6. Hold down a part-time job (as a waitress or make-up artist at Origins or other natural beauty store)
7. Take more baths with aromatherapy.
8. Surf!
9. Get off Risperdal and stay on Trileptal.
10. Cook delicious dinners for my family-friends-roomates.
11. Shop mostly at farmers markets.
12. Look at my dream book everyday.
13. Spend more time with family (especially Tata)
14. Be strong.
15. Recover without depression.
16. Have a bitchtastic 20th birthday party.
17. Make new girlfriends and maintain my existing friendships.
18. Tan at the beach.
19. Meditate.

I'm thinking that it would be good to travel to a warm tropical region during wintertime in Cali. The seasons are opposite in the south pacific regions. I realize that my seasonal episodes could be prevented if I followed the summer weather. I could study abroad in New Zealand in January and skip the ugly winter. It's something for me to save up for. I could work on an organic fruit farm too. It's something I'd love to do. I love to travel. I love airports. I love the anticipation and excitement of hopping on a plane and going somewhere. My spirit is there.

I feel very aware and happy right now. I'm listening to Led Zeppelin. I believe that I can recover beautifully. I'm a butterfly waiting to be released. I'm still wrapped up. Patiently waiting for that right moment to spread my love.

I did a lot of thinking at the hospital. I realized that I love philosophy and that since I want a service career, I could become a philosophy professor. I want to understand how people think so that I can understand people better. I think the more we understand the closer we are to peace and everlasting loving kindness. Money is not important to me. My quality of life is determined by how I feel. Money feels good, but not as good as love does. And the love is abundant. I know I am naive saying this. I don't think I'll ever have a problem with money. Now I say this with confidence. I know times get hard, but I have support. I am loved and cared for. And I return and exchange that flow of love. So right now I'm set on becoming a university or community college-level philosophy professor and a dancer and yoga lover on the side. ;-)

PEACE

After Party

(("Keyboarding")) I feel like blogging now.

(( "The Rosy Avo" from Oxnard's Thursday plaza park farmers' market. )) The lovely red tint of this avocado caught my eye immediately. The one caught up amongst the green ones, the serene ones. It is in a rage, caught out there in isolation. Contained with it's solid seed core....... and a unique fatty flesh. I hold it. It is mine for a second. Then I let it go.... back into the pile. I'm back from Vista Del Mar today. I felt like this avocado. So contained. Willing to share, but all together. I thought I was a main part of a world peace plan. Maybe I really was. Who knows. Obama has been doing great things. Part of me thinks that I had something to do with it. However, many people are dying from suicide also. I want them to know that they have a safe place to go. At the mental hospital it is almost impossible to die.

(("Borders" at the farmers' market also.)) It speaks for itself, no?

Springtime is beautiful. Not my favorite season. It makes me manic. Springs me into mania pretty abruptly. Not safe. Now I am aware that there are borders, limits. They exist in reality. Not in the life I thought I set up for myself during hypomania and then later full on mania. But even with borders, when I choose to accept them... the picture is beautiful. Border patrol anyone? Just don't sedate me with a needle please. Keep my roots flowing in the swampy water. Don't drown me in a puddle, bitch. I had gluten-free granola today. It was delicious. From Trader Joes of course. Go try it!

(("Gaze" at the Etnies pool in Malibu doing photo shoot with Weston)) It was so much fun. After we went to look at a potential apartment in Santa Monica then we ate Thai food on the promenade. Really good pad thai and a young coconut, along with a delicious papaya salad. I was so tired he had to drive us home. I nearly fell asleep in my own passenger seat. how symbolic.
Here I am. I actually took this picture to check my eyeliner for smudges. Looks ok. I am alive. The sun was beaming but it was beautiful. So much art and artistic people. Also... oh yeah... the skaters... all around the pool and in it a little too. I loved it. Weston is a great skater. We did this shoot together. We listened to Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon soundtrack in the way down. And Norah Jones on the way down more the Santa Monica. It is beautiful to listen to music with a friend. Taking pictures works up an appetite for real.


(("Tree Inspired Tagging" at the Etnies pool"))

("Hombres" at the pool also))

TRIPPIN SLIPPIN INSIDE MYSELF

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBWhViyE-0Y

Are hallucinations our true reality?

I've been pondering this...intensely. When manic I saw a lot of things. Like my Nana. I saw her in the computer. In a picture. It wasn't her EXACTLY but it looked a lot like her. It was very emotional for me. I didn't get scared, rather I felt it was a special connection. I know she is watching over me. She always wanted me to learn Spanish. Lately that has been my dream...to learn Spanish and speak it fluently so that I can communicate with these important people who speak the beautiful language. I have been practicing--in my mind.

My episode, although I feel it is just beginning, has been very spiritual. I see synchronicites everywhere. It is intensely emotional. Yesterday I was listening to KPFK and they were playing this wonderful song-- in Spanish of course. I learned that the artist is Cecilia Noel. She is multi-ethnic like me. She talked abot her roots in Peru. While in the hospital, I met a guy named David who is a fashion designer. He has a home in Peru. We talked about crochet dresses. I put a cut out of a crochet dress on my gold collage here....

David told me that in Peru, crochet is everywhere. He has an idea to make a crochet dress and string in crystals to make it like a transparent crochet net with sparklies. So I made this collage in the hospital. The theme is gold stuff. I was thinking of summertime and my dreams. Now I have this in my dream book and I look at it all the time. I made a lot of art at the hospital. There is an anklet that I made with hot pink beads and a "G" bead. Today I was listening to the radio and there was this song and the guy was singing about being a G. As in gangster. I am wearing the anklet in this picture on myspace where I'm at Griffith Park. Go see it.

Love is everywhere lately. Yesterday I had a great day. I went to the farmer's market and bought some beautiful artichokes for that recipe. Then I went to Lassens to buy a few things like more pink lady apples. I saw these sodas. They are so cute. Made from fruit juice and sparkling water. Ahhh. the symbolism. Did you catch the Costa Rica part?

When I arrived home I sliced some yellow peaches and drizzled honey on top. They were so awesome. My mom was talking about how she is frustrated because my aunt Norma thinks that I was possesed by a demon during my first episode. She said that cutters are influenced by devils. I told her it was ironoc because when I cutted myself in 2004 I made a cross in my wrist. I guess my mom also had the chance to be exorcised because my Aunt Norma was insisting when she was manic years and years ago. Again, my mom is thinking that it is a heredity thing...not a spiritual thing. I told her that they are both connected. Our spirit and our genes. Definitely connected. And I told her that is is more than just science and chemicals. I said that there is an unknown. Then I visited my aunt Norma and Carlos and cousins Crystal, Jennie, Joseph and Andres. Jennie lives in Reno, Nevada so I thought it was appropriate to visit her cuz she is only visiting for a few days. My aunt Norma picked some nopales from her yard and my uncle Carlos prepped them for me. It was very caring of them. We just sat and chatted and laughed about a lot of things. I feel safe and cared for there. That house is just down my street. I can walk there. Yes, we live on the same street. I know.

Then later I went to pick up Weston because we needed to take care of some things. Did that. Then I made this....

It's a black bean nopales salad with those orange tomatoes and some salsa. And some Parma! (vegan parmesan cheese made from nutritional yeast and walnuts) and a few olives on top. It was really good. The black beans were warmed but I left the nopales cold. Later on I made those gluten-free brownies. They turned out great. Very cake-like...and so chocolatey. Then my friend Andrew called me up and we went to his house to play with his dogs. He has an adorable black lab puppy named Maui. She has those long skinny legs that look so awkward but cute. I feel so grateful to be able to just chill. It is a real blessing. I feel like I'm really starting to bloom. Here I am...being dorky with some GOLD headphones... just sparkly.

I love taking pictures. Right now the sun is out... but there are clouds too. I might drive down to Santa Monica to look at another apartment. But also I might go out later tonight...dancing. So maybe I can morph the trips together. We will see... or maybe I'll just stay home and make those artichokes. Whatever. The plaza market is today. Hopefully jujubies are there.

This is Peter. He has a lot of tattoos. He's a really good dancer and he has a tattoo that means hope. He showed me this really funny video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09Zsd858KQs I don't talk to him anymore. But I've been sharing that video with everyone. Thanks Peter.

One more thing... I found an older Kelis album that I had in my CD case the other day. I love this CD. It's called Kaleidescope. She talks about UFO's. Then I was looking her up on playlist.com and I found this newer song called Handful. http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#kelis%20handful

She talks about driving a Porsche Cayenne. Which is my dream car....the hybrid one. Very synchronistic. I think she's awesome. But I don't need a milkshake. Maybe an almond milk shake. Anyway... =)

I hope I get to surf today. I feel so blessed. I have some stuff to give away, I think I'll do that today too.....

i love life

Things are good. Very good. I'm doing what makes me happy and although sometimes I feel tired and worn out, I'm good just knowing that I'm living out my dreams. I know where I'm going, I know where I'm coming from. Of course, I know where I am. Been doing photo shoot collaborations lately with my friend Weston Elrod. He is a skater. http://www.myspace.com/WestonElrod
I'll post the pictures soon, I'm very excited about this. Yesterday we went to a spot in the hills of Malibu. It was very warm. We arrived in the afternoon, a couple hours before sunset. The heat was beaming. This time of year I realize how much I love being in the golden sun. I can only guess that it is my destiny to feel warm forever. Weston did a flip over me while I did a fish pose... wearing my blue American Apparel bathing suit and koi fish Vans. It should be classic. In a few of the pics I'm listening to my iPod. I listened to No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom. I was feeling the funkiness. Afterwards we went to the 3rd Street Promenade and ate Thai food. I was so hungry. By the time we got there it was late, not many people out... but still people. I ordered a young coconut, papaya salad and Pad Thai with tofu (no egg or chicken). It was quite yummy. Very light and fresh, low salt. When I got home I was still a little hungry so I made some guacamole and a little plate of black beans with hemp corn chips. Then some millet with honey and cinnamon. By then it was midnight. Then I went to sleep for a few hours. Now it's morning and I'm here in my room, thinking about what I should do today. I want to surf. I also want to make some gluten-free brownies. There's also a recipe....
http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/2009/05/millet-stuffed-artichokes.html
They look beautiful don't they?
So yesterday in the early afternoon I also ate 2 white peaches, a banana/mango/orange/honey smoothie and several oranges. Obviously I have been sleeping in, skipping breakfast. Now I eat pretty late. But... I'm fine with it. I feel quite flexible, really. Oh, and strong too. But enought about me... I'm just a model anyway. Who are you?

5250=WTF

My parents called the cops on me because I was too manic. So the cop--named officer Hartson, took me to Vista del Mar. Then I was lured into signing papers giving my parents the right to make decisions for me. A 5250 is a 14 day hold. The hospital is very lame. The therapy is horrible. And the patients are all zombies. I turned into a zombie there too. I was sedated several times. I also got naked for some reason. The mania turned into zombie status after several days. Geodon made my arms burn with pain. So I was given another medication--a muscle relaxer-- to cover up those symptoms.

I am supposed to be taking Lithium and Geodon. I haven't taken the Geodon in 2 days. I don't want to take the Lithium. My parents would flip if I told them I wanna toss the meds and just do this without them.

I am not a danger to myself or anyone else.

I try to understand myself. I try to find peace. I was definitely manic.

I believe I will be fine without medication. I do not want to take pills. Lithium makes me shake. It makes my mouth dry. I am a smart girl. I know I can do it. Alone.

If my parents didn't call the cops I wouldn't have felt so horrible from the forced medications.

For some reason my ex-boyfriend John is not interested in me anymore. Good riddance.

Ashley, my closest girlfriend, got scared from the whole experience.

I believe insanity is a blessing not a curse. I don't want to sound ego-centric, but I am fine.

I feel beautiful.

the mango dream

mangoes not teardrops
and peaches not weasels
cherries not fairies
and people not aliens

the end

The Raw Food Diet: My Way--Refined

-lots of fruit, including a bit of avocado
-tender greens that taste good
-some nuts and seeds
(all preferably wild harvested or organic)

Bloom

On Wednesday I took these pictures with my phone... While at the college and running errands around Ventura... I had to take pictures they were so beautiful.

Salud

'Salud' means 'health' in Spanish. It also means 'well-being' and 'salvation'. Some say it when people sneeze. It's the equivalent to 'bless you' in English. I've become fascinated with this word lately. Salud.

In American culture, the word 'health' is often linked to doctor's offices, medications and supplements. I think we've forgotten what health really is. Or maybe we think we know what it is. One thing is for certain---we are being decieved into thinking we can buy health. I am one to believe that health = abundance, joy and yes, salvation. Money cannot buy this.... why? Because health is a feeling. We can only feel healthy in the moment. It is an experience. Kinda like love.

I've realized this over the past few months...... it's a liberating concept. I'm giving away all of my supplements, superfoods, cleansing products and anything in a wrapper or container, with the exception of fruits and veggies that are packaged-- such as tomatoes that might be in a plastic box. I'm letting go of these things because I simply don't need them anymore. My life is better without them. My life is more simplified without a pantry full of jars and plastic bags. Right now my focus is refining my lifestyle. I want to eat pure raw foods in their natural state. No powdered, concentrated or dehydrated foods. I prefer fruit now.

Above all foods--- fruit is perfect and delicious to me. I've been eating lots of it for 2 weeks now. Primarily fruits, including zucchini and red peppers. Also, some leafy greens. Only greens that taste good to me. I will not swallow anything that does not taste good. I have freedom to eat what I want. I'm blessed with a wonderful family that supports this. I'm blessed with local southern California fruits. But most of all I am loved. I can feel it. It feels like...salud. My goals are written in my new dream book. They are written as affirmations. I look at them everyday.

This is a kiwi strawberry salad I had for breakfast today.

I finally feel alive. My life is meaningful. I am balanced. =)

I'm grateful for Springtime. It is great to be alive.

Just Dreams

Things seem impossible sometimes. I have so many dreams. So many things I want to accomplish. I find it hard to decide which dreams are really worth pursuing...and which ones are not. I feel like a little girl. "I want a fairy, but I also want a unicorn. But I also want a candy house so my fairy and unicorn will have a place to live. And then I want a magical garden. And then I want a wizard to watch over the garden. But then I want another house...a cottage. With a rainbow path leading to the door. But I need a friend too. Lots of friends. But only nice friends. Friends who love me...." I get more and more excited when I think of my dreams... like a little girl in a fairytale land....only to be rudely reminded that some of these things that I want just aren't real. They're just dreams. But maybe they'd come true if someone else would believe in them too... then maybe our dreams can come true.

So, I thought I'd compose a list of my most childish dreams, even if they're "just dreams"...

-live in a world where everyone shares everything and money doesn't exist

-share a jungle of tropical fruit trees and a meadow of sweet green leafies

-drink fresh, pure water from a nearby spring

-bathe in a waterfall every morning

-love myself always

-have lots of friends who care about their health and the Earth as much as I do

-be a raw vegan for the rest of my life

-live in a world of people who are all about health not wealth

Just so you know, I haven't gone off the deep end...yet. And no, I'm not doing psychadelic drugs. But I am going through some stuff. Some serious stuff that I need some time to think about. I'm trying to figure some stuff out...like my real goals. My real dreams. Lately I've been so overwhelmed with the terror that the Earth is facing right now. I want to do something about it but then I realize that there's only so much that I can do. The rest lies in the magic of the wizards and fairies. Well, it helps to believe in something, right?

Nobody is Better

"Nobody's better than you... and nobody's better than me. Not even you when I'm tellin the truth."- The Grouch

This piece of lyric is so profound. At first when I heard it I felt offended cuz I wasn't really listening. But when I really thought about it, this is a concept that's really inportant in society today. Don't let anyone define you and give you boundaries to which you must surrender to. Believe in yourself. It's so cliche. But think about it. We are so absorbed in our chosen guidelines and what rules we need to follow. In reality, our hearts don't really want boundaries because boundaries cause a lack of understanding. This doesn't mean that we should all operate on impulse and intuition and lose common logic... it just means that "holding on" to a belief system--unless it is truly your own--can be detrimental in the long run. Because whenever we try to be like someone else, we lose a little bit of our true self. What's real is what you feel. So if something is cool for someone else, it doesn't mean it's okay for you. Be okay with that...because is everything was the same...we'd be hella boring. Think for yourself and don't rely on what others think about you and what you do. I know this isn't always easy cause there are times when people get lost and they need help, advice, love. There's nothing wrong with seeing yourself in another person. I think relationships are a good way to find truth in life. Because in relationships we inevidably judge eachother and see who we are from a different perspective. Still, don't forget that nobody is better than you. Nourish your own soul with love and listen to what you really feel and don't rely on anyone else. Believe in yourself and your values, your logic and intuition.

On that note... I know a lot of people don't read my blog, but for those people out there who do... just letting you know that I'm doing this blog mostly for myself. Some of the writing on here will not benefit you. Sometimes I will vent and ego-trip, be all negative and make harsh comments that might offend you. Sometimes I might make you very angry or confused. And chances are that I'll be very contradicting and confusing. So... this is my warning to you. This is my form of artistic expression and it is a coping mechanism. If I were to write something for others, I'd go about it by being more serene and peaceful. But nonetheless, I think it's important to communicate with others and get feedback. So if anything, I hope this blog can open people's minds and help people find some truth.

I'm saying all this because in the Raw Food community, there is a never-ending flow of contradiciting information. Everyone is searching for answers to their many questions--including me. It's important to stop and remember that this cycle never ends. Questions are infinite because logic is infinite. BUT...key point here>> all of the answers are inside of us. Because without the human brain we wouldn't be questioning stuff, therefore we'd have no answers to seek. Haha! =p Sorry..but this concept makes me feel really good inside. Basically, we need to believe in ourselves and the logic will unfold....

This isn't only a selfish thing. It's also important to believe in other people. I think we are all the same people with different experiences. We might say that we can't relate to some people at all. But that's a boundary. Draw a line through it. Set yourself free and remember that we are all one!

So...why doesn't the raw food community join forces and stop arguing about which plan is the best? Because we're all having the same experiences but at different times and at different frequencies and intensities. If we all adhered to one plan, then we'd be boring. I love David Wolfe and his cacao. And I also love Doug Graham and his fitness level. I love Tonya Zavasta and her fiery intelligence. I love Brigitte Mars and her nurturing spirit. I love everyone who is in the raw food movement because I consider raw foodists my family. But like any family, there's a lot of tension. It gets rough and ugly...but it's also very entertaining. So I don't mind.

When you make friends with your enemies--there are no more enemies in your life. Make friends with your ego and understand where it's coming from.

Glutamate, Lithium and Bipolar Disorder---connecting the dots and coloring in the spaces

While curiously perusing the internet to see how pharmaceutical lithium works in the brain, I kept on seeing "glutamate" mentioned in various articles.
Now, let me point something out before I go on with this. Doctors, psychiatrists, scientists other health experts will all openly admit that nobody is exactly sure how lithium works on a molecular level in the brain...(WTF!) Now, it seems to me that there is something seriously wrong with that. Either they know and they're just not telling us...or they really don't know and we're their experiment. How can millions of people be prescribed with a drug when we are unsure how and why it works? Not only that... we know lithium in drug form has many side effects and that it is toxic to the body. Why do doctors prescribe it anyway? I have lots of answers to this but I don't want to offend anyone so I'll keep them to myself. =)
Okay, back to glutamate. It is the most common excitatory neurotransmitter in the brain and spinal cord. However, too much glutamate can cause problems. Excess glutamate actually overstimulates cells to the point that certain brain cells-- that would normally protect against glutamate overstimulation-- actually commit suicide and die, creating an even more vulnerable brain. Some research shows that when these cells are soaked in lithium for about a week they refrain from committing suicide. I think that's amazing, but the real question is: why is the glutamate overly exited? In other words, what turns an otherwise naturally functioning neurotransmitter into an excitotoxin? It seems to me that an abundance of glutamate in the brain would cause turmoil. If glutamate is "overpopulated" so to speak, it seems as though it would cause some problems or imbalances at least. Everyone knows about seratonin and dopamine and those kinds of imbalances...but why aren't we talking about glutamate---the most abundant neurotransmitter? Hello?? So...Where does the excess glutamate come from? Well, I learned something very, very important today: MSG means monosodium glutamate. MSG is found in many foods, not just chinese food, unfortunately....
These ALWAYS contain MSG: Glutamate, Monosodium glutamate, Monopotassium glutamate, Yeast extract (any), Hydrolyzed protein, Glutamic acid, Calcium caseinate, Sodium caseinate, Yeast food, Hydrolyzed corn gluten, Gelatin, Textured protein, Yeast nutrient, Autolyzed yeast, Natrium glutamate (Latin/German for sodium).
These OFTEN contain MSG or create MSG during processing: Carrageenan, Bouillon and Broth Stock, Whey protein concentrate, Whey protein, Whey protein isolate, Soy sauce, Soy sauce extract, Soy protein (any), Fortified protein (anything), Fermented Flavors(s) & Flavoring(s), Natural flavor(s) & flavoring(s), Natural pork flavoring, Natural beef flavoring, Maltodextrin, Citric acid, Natural chicken flavoring (anything), Ultra-pasteurized Barley malt, Pectin, Protease, Protease enzymes (anything), Enzyme modified Enzymes (anything), Pre-basted poultry Malt extract, Malt flavoring, Soy protein isolate, Soy protein concentrate, Seasonings (the word "seasonings")


This is a good reason to READ ALL FOOD LABELS!!!

The symptoms of MSG toxicity include:
Numbness or paralysis Mouth lesions, sores Swelling of hands, feet, face Diarrhea Mitral valve prolapse, Nausea, Arrhythmias or paroxysmal atrial fibrillation (which can lead to stroke), Vomiting, Rise or drop in blood pressure (a fluctuation), Stomach cramps and gas, Tachycardia (rapid heartbeat), Irritable bowel, colitis, and/or constipation, Angina (pain in and around heart and ribs), Swelling of/or painful rectum, Heart palpitations (change in heart beat, or irregularities, such as atrial fibrillation), Spastic colon Shuddering, shaking, chills, Extreme thirst, Tendonitis and joint pain, TMJ, Water retention and bloating (stomach swells), Arthritic-like pain, Muscle aches - legs, back, shoulders, neck Abdominal discomfort, Flu-like symptoms, Asthma symptoms, Stiffness - jaw, muscles, Shortness of breath Heaviness of arms, legs Chest pain, Mental dullness, Tightness of chest, Depression, Runny nose and sneezing Dizziness, light headedness, Postnasal drip, Disorientation, mental confusion, bi-polar Bronchitis-like symptoms, Anxiety or panic attacks, Hoarseness, sore throat, Hyperactivity, especially in children (A.D.H.D.) Chronic cough - sometimes a tickle cough, Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.), Gagging reflex, Behavioral problems - delinquency, rage, and hostility, Skin rash - hives, itching, rosacea-like reaction, Feelings of inebriation, Mouth lesions, small waxy bits in throat, tonsils, Slurred speech, Tingling numbness on face, ears, arms, legs, or feet, Balance problems, Flushing, tingling, burning sensation in face or chest, Aching teeth, Extreme dryness of mouth, "cotton mouth", or irritated tongue Seizures, tremors Dark circles or bags under eyes, face swelling, Loss of memory, Urological problems, nocturia, uncontrollable bladder or swelling of prostate, Lethargy, Difficulty focusing, Sleeping disorders - insomnia or drowsiness (chronic fatigue), Pressure behind eyes Migraine headaches - facial or temporal, Eye symptoms - tired or burning eyes to blurry vision, optic neuritis, Seeing shiny lights, Neurological diseases: ALS, Parkinson's, M.S. Burning sinuses, broken sinus capillaries, Prostate infertility, thyroid problems, Gastro esophageal reflux, Ear problems - tinnitus or Meniere's Disease Cartilage, connective tissue damage, Gout-like condition (usually knees) Gall bladder or gall bladder like problems, Kidney pain - Loin Pain Hematuria Syndrome, Restless Leg Syndrome.

Notice that the symptoms I put in bold are all symptoms of bipolar disorder or related to it. Hmmmm.... so my only conclusion to this is that if processed food, especially foods containing MSG, are eliminated from the diet, expect to feel way better. Here are some interesting links:
www.idealspine.com/pages/AJCC_April_05_glutamate_aspartame_pain_and_your_brain.htm www.msgtruth.org/depress.htm
Better yet...just go to http://www.msgtruth.org/ and be shocked and disturbed as to how many diseases are linked to MSG (man-made glutamate) and how most psychological disorders are treated with drugs that are glutamate blockers.

Until next time,
Gabby

Dunzo with the Cleanse

My belief is that cleansing should never hurt. Healing should never hurt. While doing this cleanse, I felt plenty of pain and suffering---I felt unhappy. But let me make one thing absolutely clear: I am not a quitter. I am an extremely motivated person with goals and accomplishments. Quitters do not exist in my perspective. I did the best I could. My reasoning is clear: I do not have the time, proper environment, professional support or financial means to make this cleanse work. Some would say that I can "make it work" if I really want to. I think you are crazy. I have a history of bipolar mania and depression. The times when I have forced myself to do anything to the extreme I end up driving myself insane. Slow and steady is the key... and cleansing is anything but steady. From my experience... this cleanse has been like a mood swing rollercoaster. One day I have bursts of energy and happiness and the next I am crying and unable to get out of bed. This is not what I signed up for. I am skeptical because the cleanse is advertised to flow with everyday activities. But this is very unnatural to me. Since when can people do normal daily routines--minus strenuous exercise and cleanse years of toxic material simulataneously??? That just does not seem natural to me. Plus, I'll admit, I didn't do my research with this cleanse. Some of the products used in the program are not vegan. And I wasn't prepared to juice everyday. Anyhow, I'm dunzo with it. It doesn't matter, it's in the past.

If I ever commit to a cleanse again, I will cease all other activities like work and school and focus solely on healing. I will not try to do both--because that doesn't work for me. I think cleansing requires my undivided attention. Right now I want to focus on other things... like college and my mental health. I've been looking into natural hygiene and fasting as a way to detoxify. It seems more, well...natural. Also, fasting requires time and attention dedicated to the fast...unlike the Arise and Shine Program that supposedly allows people to carry on with life activities at the same time. I guess I am a little confused and mislead with the A&S program. Maybe I thought it would be easier. Silly me. I'm still pondering my beliefs on detox and I need time to to my research. Again, I'm not a quitter, I'm just not about to drive myself insane right now...that would be fatal and my mental health is more important than cleansing. Does that make sense?

The Raw Diet: My Way

• lots of fruit


• green juice


• green smoothies


• small amount of whole food fats


• some sprouted grains and beans


• clean water


• plenty of exercise


• regular cleansing


• loving relationships


• being in nature everyday


• meditation


• self-love

Cleansing ~ Week 2

Last Monday, I had a spell of depression that came like an unexpected storm. I fell off the cleansing wagon completely. It's difficult to pinpoint why I felt sad. My life was going too fast. My emotions were being thrown into the back seat while my school and work responsibilities were driving me crazy. I questioned myself--Why am I cleansing? Is mucoid plaque even real? Why am I a raw foodist? Why can't I just eat normal food? What is a normal diet? How many times will I have to cleanse my body until I am rid of toxic plaque build-up? Will I ever get there? When can I move out of my parent's house so I can get away from cooked food and milk and cheese? I felt so trapped between the boundaries that I have set for myself over the last few months. I felt as though I would suffer both ways--as a raw fooder and as a cooked vegan. Why? Because as a raw fooder a large aspect of my life is dedicated to detoxification, which can be associated with pain and suffering. At this time I was thinking that detox is always somewhat uncomfortable. But it's not always. In fact, for the most part, it is healing and it feels good. It feels like pain is being released. "Detox" and "cleanse" sound harsh and abrasive. "Healing" sounds much more appropriate to me. But the reason why I felt trapped between the gap between raw vegan and regular vegan is related to something deep within me. The cleanse brought up my tendencies to be extreme and all-or-nothing. It prompted my desire to eat all of the cooked food I was craving and release all of the emotions that were restricting my flow of self-love. I made all of my cooked food fantasies come to life. Here's my confession: In a course of 5 days or so, I went off the cleanse program completely.... I ate whole wheat pita bread with avocado-jalapeno hummus. I went to my local Thai restaurant (which does not serve any dairy except ice cream) and shared an all vegan meal of papaya salad, yellow curry, brown rice and Pad Thai with John. I made scones out of organic ingredients: white flour, walnuts, chia seeds, sugar and corn oil. I steamed sweet potato and ate it with cinnamon and yacon syrup. I ate vegetable soup, toast, english muffins, fritos, tortillas, Mint Chip Tofutti Cuties--almost the whole box, chips and salsa, Blender's Peanut Butter Smoothie (Go Soy) and sweet potato chips. I ate this food to satisfy my cravings---to fulfill my fantasies. Somewhere inside of me I wanted to be okay with eating these foods. I wanted to be "at one" with the experience. But my fantasies didn't manifest. They couldn't because they were rooted in panic and fear...not in love or understanding. Eating these foods gave me a transparent feeling of satisfaction. The way the food felt in my mouth made me feel comforted...as if I was getting what I needed. But the feeling of the food entering my stomach and moving through my intestines like glue-- was not what I wanted. What I learned from this experience is that I can try as hard as I want to believe that my body wants these foods--but my body doesn't. My mind does. My eager, ever-expressive ego wants to feel the pleasure and say "Mmmm, wasn't that nice?" When in reality...I am suffering. I ate so much food to the point of extreme fullness..and sadness. Which reminds me...fullness does not equal happiness. My true self doesn't want cooked crap. No matter how much I pray, sing, chant or lie to myself...a cooked meal like Pad Thai is not going to sit well inside of me. Sure, I could take enzymes and probiotics and do enemas and deal with it...but why? That simply exasperates the self-deception even more!! Although, it does give relief to the pain..at a cost of time, money and lies. So, I came to the conclusion that cooked junk food is not for me. Not all cooked foods are equally bad. Some cooked food like steamed veggies and millet are actually beneficial for me right now. I've made a promise to myself to eat steamed veggies like squash if I ever have such an intense craving. I knew this was true for awhile...but now I am really coming to fully understand why. Now I have some organic squash here at home to help me if I need it. I'll buy some millet to have on hand to prepare if I get a white flour craving. Also, I can sprout some buckwheat to make raw porridge. This is the next step in my raw food journey: Learning how to use the right foods to eat when I have a freak-out moment or healing experience (cleansing reaction). In truth, if my body really does want grains, I'll know it by how I feel after I eat them in their somewhat natural state--not the processed, powder state. As for the cleanse, I've hopped back on the gentle phase and I plan on continuing the cleanse until the 28th and then adding on the couple of days that I missed to make them up. I know I can do this. I believe that by staying true to my intention of feeling full of life, balanced and vital, I will continue on the raw path of healing because deep down...... I know it works.

With love,

Gabby the Coconut/Blind Giraffe

Cleansing ~ Week 1

Woooo.... like the club logo?

Today is day 7 of the cleanse. I must admit, I feel pretty good. Day 1 I had very little fat and plenty of greens and fruit. I experienced a slight pain in my upper left head...but it went away in a matter of minutes. Day 2 and 3 I felt slightly weak but nothing major. I passed some plaque on the 2nd night. It smelled horrible. hahaha--good thing it's out of me. On day 4 I had a very busy day, running around campus getting stuff done for the GAIA club. The next morning--day 5, I felt very fatigued but after breakfast I sprung back into action. Day 6, yesterday, I felt foggy in the morning but by the evening I gained some energy. Today I feel very rested and energized. I slept like a baby last night even though it was raining hard. =) I've found a new love... cauliflower! Never in a million years did I think I'd be raving about cauliflower. But I've been eating a lot of it during the cleanse. I like to cut it up and throw it in my salads. It gives it a good crunch munchy texture. Another think I've realized is how wonderful I feel when I cut salt out of my diet. I haven't had salt or nuts in a week and I don't feel deprived at all. I find that I can taste my vegetables better without salt. Salad dressings are fine without it. I've been using a lot of hemp oil and I notice that it's nutty flavor satisfies my craving for nuts.

The GAIA club is doing well, we're going to show Earthlings next Wednesday--it's a documentary about animals and how we use them for pets, food, clothes, entertainment and scientific research. I hope we get a good turn out. It's a life changing film..that's for sure. We finally got our flyers out and posted around campus. We're using the heart logo for now. We put it together last minute and it turned out cute so we're keeping it.

The mild depression that I created for myself has subsided immensely. Depression isn't who I am or who I want to be. During that time though, I had to sort some personal matters out. Basically, I was hanging out with people who do not serve my greater good. In fact, I allowed these people to squash my greater good. Now that I've let that go I have more room to grow and improve. I learned that the people around me can't shape who I am. I am my own person. I guess when you're depressed you can feel hypersensitive to your environment and fall victim to what other people think of you. I guess I was letting other people shape my conscious-- something I never want to do again! It's important to be surrounded with friends and family..but it's also good to think for yourself and never fit into a mold that others may reserve for you. I hope this all makes sense because I'm totally random right now. The recent depression spell seems like years ago and I feel so detatched from it as if that was a layer that I've shedded completely from my skin. Which, in fact, is better than feeling like I've internalized it. Yes!! Out with the old. On lithium... I seldom felt like this. I never felt as if I actually let go of my emotions. They always felt trapped within a network of chemically controlled hormones and receptors and nerves, like dirty machines moving in and out and around my matrix of a brain...never to be released into the light. Now I can feel my old feelings being lifted out of me. It's an amazing feeling. I do not feel scared... I feel brave, yet slightly vulnerable. This is a fragile time for me. All of these stagnant, complicated emotions are being stirred up and released. I suppose all I can do is succumb to the ups and downs and use awareness to ease the pain. Because I know...this too shall pass and I'll be a more vibrant woman in the future...now. Living in the now...being aware of how I feel and why. Living my life and constantly questioning my thoughts. Having a dialogue with my negativity. Asking myself why I feel the way I feel. What do I really want? I get to choose. It's freedom. =)

Anyway, I feel so blessed to be doing this cleanse and sharing my discoveries with all of my friends. I'm off to a good start with it I think. It will get harder I'm sure, but for now I'm happy and I feel very wholesome and balanced.

I Can See!

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” -Helen Keller

I don't have much time to write tonight, but I need to give a quick update. My depression has left me for the past few days. There's been a little heat wave lately and it has cheered me up. I asked myself "why?" Because I know I don't need to feel sad. It took some contemplation to get to that conclusion, believe it or not. I guess negative thought patterns can really control me to that extent. But no more. I'm beginning to understand the importance of keeping close friends in my life and nurturing those friendships. I love my friends very dearly.

I'm preparing for a community cleanse which will begin on February 1st. It's called the "Love Yourself Community Cleanse" and over 20 individuals including myself will be doing Richard Anderson's Arise and Shine 28 day program. The past few days I've been cutting out the fruit/fat combo foods and salt. I've been emphasizing food combining rules, too. I'm feeling great. I've also started to use my glasses only when neccessary. I plan on improving my vision during this cleanse and to do that I need to take of my glasses and SEE!

Until next time =)

Love,

Gabby the coconut

Depression

I hear it all the time...

"Everyone's bipolar."

I don't know about that. I think it's true that all people experience ups and downs. Times of happiness and times of sadness. But it annoys me when people say that everyone is bipolar. Maybe it's true, I don't know. To my knowledge, a bipolar person has had extreme episodes of mania or depression. A bipolar person is NOT someone who thinks he or she has the capability of going into an episode but doesn't because of self-control. Okay, there is a fine line between thinking that you're bipolar and actually being bipolar--meaning having an episode. I can understand why people may naively proclaim that everyone is bipolar. Just look at the list of symptoms: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356/DSECTION=symptoms
Any person can look at these symptoms and say, "Oh yeah, I totally know what that's like." But does that person know what it's like to feel like that for the long term? Days to weeks to months...even years?

People say time heals everything. But add time to bipolar symptoms and the opposite is true. Time can destroy things also. Time can make something complicated seem simple....or it can make something complicated seem incomprehensible. I'm only saying this because I find it neccessary for people to look at the disorder as a serious condition that effects many people...but not everyone. Not everyone can say they've had an episode. And episodes are what classify people as being bipolar.

If you haven't had an episode, then you're not bipolar--sorry to burst your bubble.

Seems like common sense, but this is a stigma that needs to be eradicated.

On that note, It's time I update things. I'm mildly depressed right now. I'm trying to stay focused and continue doing the things that make me happy, even though they seems so hard. As much as I don't want to dwell on the negative, I think it's neccessary to express how I really feel...in a list. =)
I feel like...
- eating 24/7, I've been eating a lot...raw food only
- sleeping 24/7, but I don't
- living somewhere tropical until Winter is over
- crying
- living extremely simple life in nature
- getting away from cooked food smells
- curling up in a blanket and fasting until I feel better
- finding professional holistic guidance
- losing weight
- gaining more energy
- screaming

I feel so disgusting...then when my mood is lifted I feel happy, but then I feel guilty and weird for feeling happy because my body feels like crap.

I go from wanting to eat everything...to wanting to fast. Deep down, I think the best thing for me to do would be to fast. Just fast until I feel sane enough to eat mindfully. I know that sounds extreme and contradicitng, but what to animals do when they feel sick? They curl up and fast. I feel like doing that right now, but it is impossible with school and other activities that I'm doing. How can I heal? How can I do this without ending up in a hospital? I don't know.

I just want to be a raw foodist, level out my emotions, lose all of the weight that I've gained and live in peace. But I feel like I can't do that on my own... I need help.

2009 ~ Divine Love

Thinking about my 2009 resolutions, I couldn't help but make a long list of things, as I usually do with everything that I attempt to sort out. But then I got into subcategories and I started to list how I plan on meeting these goals. I heard somewhere that it isn't enough to simply list your goals--you need to also write the steps you plan on taking to get there. These are "mini goals" that make the bigger goal seem much easier. To me, adding on the mini goals makes the big goals seem much more difficult and it makes the dreamy part of goal setting crash into reality and guidelines...restrictions. But, I do it anyway, because it's a method that's been proven to work. It takes more time and effort to realize what really needs to be done...and even more effort to follow an intricately outlined plan. But I know myself well, and I do like guidelines. I like rules. Especially when they make sense. Whatever works, right?


I wish it was simple. I wish I only had one goal. The truth is, I have many goals for 2009. I've had such an eventful 2008, and to my logic that can only mean an even more exciting 2009, with many more things to accomplish. After all, my self-visualization of a constantly blooming lotus flower affirms an abundant, ever-expanding life experience. hmmm But first I need to recap my 2008 experiences.

So, here is what I accomplished in 2008 (in no particular order):

• became a vegan
• joined a Buddhist Meditation club at VC (Pirates 4 Peace)
• put on a vegan bake sale for the club
• helped out with VC's Earth Day festival
• organized a vegan awareness booth for that festival
• learned about the Bahai'i faith
• reunited with my best friend, Ashley
• volunteered at Food Share
• got straight A's spring 08
• became a raw foodist
• joined the honor's society (AGS)
• held (and still holding) the position as ASVC rep for AGS
• became an officer for ASVC
• attended most ASVC and AGS meetings
• helped with a petition to stop budget cuts to education
• practiced yoga 2x week
• took some salsa lessons
• made some raw friends
• made many raw dishes
• started the Gaia club at VC
• meditated a lot
• attended a Christian church
• got accustomed to hiking
• did a 2 day fast
• did a 2 day juice feast
• got off all medications
• planted acorns
• passed trig

Here are my 2009 mini-resolutions:

1. Wear less make-up... From now on I will only wear eyeliner. That's it. I started wearing a lot less make-up when I went raw, but I continued using one of the most decieving beauty products of them all--undereye concealer. The horrible thing about it is that it tricks me into thinking I'm not tired--when I am. Now that I've been raw for awhile, I want to know the truth. I want to have bright beautiful eyes because of my diet and enough sleep...not because of make-up. Also, this is all part of my attempt to simplify my life more. A crazy make-up regimen is just not worth my time and stress. But above all, I'm doing this because I want to get in touch with my own self-love, which is an unconditional love that sees beauty in my imperfections.
2. Keep my places (room, kitchen, car, bathroom) clean... Making things easier on myself by setting aside some time each day to do these simple things will make everyone happy. I've pissed off my parents a lot in the past because I can be really messy when life gets crazy. So how bout I keep life sane and orderly, then my surroundings will reflect that.
3. Stick to a budget... I confess, I don't think much of the money I spend. I spent most of my money on produce and raw food restaurants. I hardly ever go shopping for clothes or pointless things, so I've validated my lack of budget-following abilites with the idea that buying organic food and supporting raw restaurants is sooo worth it no matter how much it costs. Which is true, but it doesn't teach me anything about money. Maybe ethics, but not money. So I'm writing down everything I spend and making sure I don't go over my budget. =)
4. Stay healthy, balanced and raw... I realized recently that doing raw food right can be challenging. I want to keep it simple this year and keep my fat intake moderate. I'm following my own plan...and that is plenty of fruit, lots of greens, mostly whole food fats and lots of water. Greens are very important to me and their healing and balancing propeties are crucial. So it's my intention to really get the greens in from now on, by making green smoothies and large, abundant salads everyday. I'm still going to eat savory, fatty, gourmet raw meals, just less often... and with awareness.
5. Say a mantra everyday... I want to stray away from vanity this year. I know that my beauty within is far more superior than my body image. So I'm going to practice yoga and meditate on most days and really try to communicate with my inner, true-self in any way I can. I will repeat this mantra:
   "I do not have Divine Love, I am Divine Love."

Yay 2009! =)

Food is Fun Again

Some pictures are blurry, I apologize. They were taken with my phone. haha! So....who says I can't banish my cooked cravings with raw alternatives??? I haven't eaten cooked food since December 30th and I don't plan on going back. I'm beginning to feel great again---Starting off the new year right. Today I started painting a mandala and it looks pretty good despite my lack of artistic skills. I went to the farmer's market, stopped by the art suppy store to pick up some pink and purple paint, did some yoga....feeling pretty good... nothing much to complain about. I've been trying lots of raw recipes and it's been gratifying. I've had a few cooked cravings, but they go away after I eat something raw. =)

Thai Curry Salad w/ Pasta

Carrot Cake

Tacos

Carrot-Apple-Beet-Ginger-Lemon

Nori Rolls

Coconut Blueberry Shake

Sweet and Sour Salad

I'm about to shine through 09..watch out.

What does true hunger feel like?

But first... a good laugh. This is one of my favorite songs. Word.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icr0eW1fRSs

I wish I was a little bit shorter actually, but you get the message. I'm disappointed the way things turned out. ooooh... humbug. I feel fat and bloated and I just want to get my period already. I do like the way my butt looks though...hehe. Just my butt..minus the thighs and stomach. My back hurts a little, my skin looks a little patchy, and I feel sleepy and a little depressed. I find that with cooked food...one bite often leads to a full on binge. I think this is due to the fact that I've falsely believed that all raw food is bad...so if I'm gonna eat one bit of a bad thing I might as well scarf down a whole lot of bad stuff and forget about it tomorrow. It's an addiction. An ugly...ugly addiction. I wonder...is it worse to overeat or deprive yourself? Maybe both are equally bad. I know we can die from fasting pretty quickly. It takes a lot of wisdom and guidance to fast the right way. But it takes a longer time for someone to die form overeating...right? It's a slow and painful process either way.

Theodore Roosevelt:
It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
From a speech given in Paris at the Sorbonne in 1910

I have just learned from personal experience that there is an unhealthy way to do raw. It takes TIME to develop healthful raw habits. Anyone who says that all you have to do is eat 100% raw and everything will be all perfect and you will be blessed with happiness and syncronicities and miracles is LYING. People who say this need to get over themselves. A raw food diet is tough. It's fucking hardcore. Even for me, and I'm a pretty extreme person at times. The raw food diet is a detoxifying diet and it will suck for periods of time inevitably. This is what I've come to know is true for me right now and it sucks....like, it's super sucky..to the max.

Today I drank a half gallon of water and a bit of lemon w/ 3 cayenne capsules (40,000 Heat Unit).

I drank a smoothie with 2 bananas, frozen blueberries and 2 small oranges

I made myself some gluten-free pancakes and topped them with Strawberry Rice Dream.

I ate a cup of Barbara's Organic high fiber Cereal w/ rice milk and raisins

For lunch I ate a spinach salad w/ Annies Shittake Sesame dressing, hemp seeds and tomato. And I ate some boiled potatoes, steamed squash and sauteed mushrooms and leeks with garlic and rosemary. Here's the proof:

My tummy feels very full. I didn't even feel truly hungry this morning. But come to think of it... I think I've lost sight of what true hunger feels like. With all of these ups and downs lately, I've really forgotten. =( I go from depriving myself, to stuffing myself. I'd really like to know what true hunger feels like. Now that takes true wisdom. What DOES it feel like? hmmm I need to think about that for awhile.

I've been pretty busy in the bathroom...it seems that my body is pretty eager to release all of this cooked food I've been binging on. But I'm promising myself that I will ease into raw foods very slowly and cautiously. No fasting...no deprivation. No punishment. No guilt. Just gained wisdom and love. I'm going to eat whatever I want and listen to how each food makes me feel. Today I'm dedicating the whole day to myself. I get to do whatever I want. If I want to sit around and meditate all day, then I will.

Here is dinner. A spinach salad with carrot, cucumber, quinoa, leftover potatoes, mushrooms and squash and some garbanzo beans.

This Girl Can Eat

So...the truth comes out. I do something for looks and body-image and it backlashes in my face. Karma? I don't know. But long story short, I'm honoring the truth that I know today... and that is I can eat. And I can eat whatever I want. Putting limitations on myself right now is PURE hell. Self-determination is one thing, but knowing your limitations is another, entirely different concept that takes a lot of wisdom. Frankly, I think I knew deep down all along that this wasn't gonna work out. I was forcing it. Damn!!! Oh well... But I know that this is all the experience. Looking back, my stinginess makes me feel all prickly inside. That's the best way I can explain it really. Prickly. I'm up and down and all around with my thoughts. Is this bipolar disorder kicking in? Mania? I'm not panicked about it, but I'm relieved that at least I can acknowledge what is going on. My though processes have been pretty impulsive lately. But I'm learning a lot. Trying to act serious can make you look funny....even when you think you are being legit...cuz i really did think I was legit. Humility is important. Honoring my body and it's needs is important. Laughing at myself is important! But most of all, this whole experience is making me feel warm and fuzzy inside because the friends that are closest to me have accepted me despite all of my bitching and moaning. You know, like when you have a breakdown and you've just finished spilling your guts to a friend...crying and slobbering all over the place...and then you think of something funny to laugh about? It's pure medicine I tell you.

But on the real... I got to thinking about my loss of period and all that. And I knew juice feasting was not a smart thing to do. Come on now... how am I ever going to get a period if I keep having this unstable relationship with food? My body needs nourishment right now and always. I know it... I can really feel it. After my 2 days of juice feasting (Ha...2 days!) by body gave me clear messages that I need some fat...or protein or fiber or something!!! So Today I ate some food...with family and friends around. Let me tell you, eating alone sucks...so drinking veg juice alone sucks--times a million. Eating with the people you love is fun and very therapeutic. I need relationships right now. I need self-expression. Feedback. Love. So, I'm eating solid food again, with family and friends. In fact, today I ate some cooked food too. And I have fully accepted it. I mean, I LoVe the way raw food makes me feel and look and smell and taste and all that. I see myself as a 100% raw foodist by the time I'm 21. But for now...for my own sanity and so I can STOP depriving myself, I'm gonna allow myself to eat whatever I want. Mostly raw foods...because that's what I usually crave, but also some cooked vegan foods. Mostly whole foods, and preferably gluten-free. My destination is RAW FOODS. But for now, on my budget, with the house I'm living in, and my busy schedule, I'm gonna be a little more FLEXIBLE....less prickly. It's time to let some love in. Transitioning can be fun...and funny too. I went to the grocery store with a good friend today and he helped me pick out some healthful cooked foods. It was very liberating and comforting.

I want to ENJOY my winter break. I really want to relax and get to know myself a little better. spend some time thinking about how I see myself in the new year...my goals, my projects. I deserve this time to myself. This semester was tough. I got A's in Chem, Sociology, Geography and Yoga..and a C in Trig. But I made it through...off lithium, off birth control, without a boyfriend. Winter is a time to look inward and rest...reflect....cuddle, get warm. I'm glad things turned out this way. Now, I will be receptive and open to change....mindful...and full of love, gratitude and acceptance. And...Lady-like. =) I really want to get my period. It's time to emmm...release. =P If you are grossed out, then sorry, but you chose to read this. It's only the truth. hehe

Anyhow, the other day I bought some watercolors and paper. I would like to start painting. I want to decorate my room with colorful, inspiring paintings of healing mandalas, sunsets, nature scenes, patterns. I bought the water colors thinking that I could express myself with art during my fast--- I was anticipating some sort of spiritual awakening. I know now that I don't need to deprive myself to get to a spiritual place. Patience is needed.

One more thing...I've learned that my body must be loved. I'm not perfect...neither are you. I've had self-image issues since my freshman year in high school, my first hospitalization for mania. I gained a lot of weight on medication. It made me feel horrible and depressed. Ever since then I've linked weight-loss with happiness. It's true that losing weight will make you happy. But it really boils down to how I feel inside. It is very important that I remember this throughout my life. Money will buy me expensive raw foods that make me feel healthy and skinny....but NOTHING can buy happiness. Happiness comes from deep down within us. I know it's inside of all of us. We just have to get out of our own way and let it out. When I was studying the Bahai'i faith last spring, we talked about a dirty mirror with a candle next to it. Our soul and true spirit is the light of the candle. Our ego and selfish desires are the film of dirt that cover the mirror and make the reflection of the light seem dim and dull. But through the process of cleaning this dirt off, we can reflect out beautiful light of soul onto the mirror and make it brighter and clearer. I love that idea. Our souls are reflections and we can always work to allow our light to shine more and more clear. Clarity. It's such a good concept. I'll be working on that.

Love,
Gabby

Juice Feast ~ Day 2

Weight: 154.5lbs
Today I had...
~*~ Lots of water with lemon and 3 cayenne tablets
~*~ Ionic Fizz
~*~ about 3/4 gallon of green juice (throughout the day) with:
lots of kale
lots of carrot
spinach
collard greens
chard
about 4 cucumbers
parsley
lemon
2 apples
~*~ a cup of orange juice
~*~ about 4 tsp of Tocotriene Complex supplement (stabilized rice bran+protein + fructoogilosaccharides from chicory)
~*~ Cup of Vanilla Rooibos Tea

Today was a lot better than yesterday in a lot of ways. =) I had a lot more energy. I went to church and the farmers market. Bought a flat of wheatgrass. Hee haw. And I worked out for about 45 min on my abs and arms. I took the Tocotriene because it tastes like cereal. haha! And I felt like I needed something bread-like. But it is actually a good source of Vitamin E (tocotrienols and tocopherols). yummy.

Today I was tempted with a super ripe and ready pear that was sitting in my fruit basket. I almost ate it...but decided not to. I put it to my nose and it smelled soooo good. It is very difficult to let go of solid foods. I'm already planning my next gourmet raw recipes for the future. Thai pastas, samosas, italian croutons...yummmm!!! But I must say... the juice I made today was very good. It made me very satisfied and it wasn't too bitter or dense. I'll be adding apple to most of my green juices now. Hehe. Tomorrow I want to make a carrot-ginger-apple-beet....yay! I also bought a bunch of oranges and I plan to juice them over the course of the next few weeks.

My spirits are lifted. I feel lighter, happier, more energized. I am looking at simple raw foods now like they are sparkling jewels. This is good. =) A new, fresh appreciation for what is real.

Peace and love,

Gabby

Juice Feast ~ Day 1

The juice feasting has begun!!! I'm feeling alright. I've been pretty tired all day long. I spent time with family today. My sister and brother and their families came over and we opened presents. It was kinda funny because my mom set a rule that we would only give gifts to the kids this year and my sister totally broke the rule. Just goes to show that gift giving is such a spontaneous, loving thing--there really shouldn't be any rules.

I know I don't have a serious amount of weight to lose, but that is not the point. I do want to sculpt my core a bit more. Hopefully by the end of the feast I'll have some more definition. Abs are my goal for the new year. So as soon as I'm eased into this juicing thing, I'm gonna do some serious core exercises. I'm excited!!
This morning I weighed 155.5lbs. Today I had:
- about a 1/2 gallon of green juice w/ celery, kale, bok choy, carrot, parsley, chard, cucumber and lemon (I drank it 3 times throughout the day)
- about 3 cups of cucumber, apple, lemon
- 1/2 cup of pomegranate w/ pear...why?? =(
- 2 cups ginger tea
- 1 cup of Mayan Cocoa Spice tea

So, I pulled a really dumb move by trying to juice pomegranate whole. NEVER doing that again. I learn something new everyday. =(
It gave me a stomach ache. So I drank some ginger tea and it went away.
I also took a supplement called Ionic Fizz which has B vitamins, including B-12 and also magnesium. I took one tsp of Vitamineral Green.
Overall, I felt tired and mellow today, I took it easy for the most part. I think my body is definitely doing some adjusting. I had some minor headaches and a stomach ache from the pomegranate mistake. Other than that I'm feeling well.

Adios amigos. Hasta manana.

Love,
Gabby

Truth?

Jeeze what was that last post all about? I'm so extreme sometimes. I really want to lose all of this weight that I have gained over the past few months and I've been so stressed about it. Kinda obsessed. I don't understand why I've let myself binge. I can see how I have failed to manage my time. That probably has a heck of a lot to do with it. But it's much more than that. I have been craving foods that I didn't before. During my first few months raw, I was perfectly fine. I was really grossed out by cooked food and I was really passionate about calling myself a 100% raw foodist. I was extreme. I got into it because I wanted to lose weight and be healthy.... Wait... was it really all about losing weight? I don't even know. I think it really became a total body-mind-spirit thing after it was a weight loss thing. This has been confusing the hell out of me. Truth is, losing weight made me happy. The weight shedding off was like a measure of my success. But then I started seeing how spiritually awakenened and balanced I felt. It came SECOND to the weight loss. I am sooo confused. I know losing weight is a very mood-boosting thing. But it isn't healthy to thrive off of weight loss to be happy. It just isn't holistic. It's all about a balance between mental, physical and spiritual health. Will attaining a dream body bring total wellness? Hmmm I don't think so. I think this is where I got a little lost. Right here...thinking that a dream body on raw foods would bring me success. A body will make you happy...but if you are unhealthy about losing weight and you put unrealistic expectations on yourself, you will lose sight of true health. Body is only one part of the puzzle. You can have a sculpted body but have a rotten mind. It will backlash on you. That's the pattern I've noticed. I have gotten very skinny on raw foods. I'm 6 feet tall and I weighed 136 pounds for awhile. 136 pounds!! I could count my ribs and I could see my heart beating even with my shirt on. For some reason I thought I was fine, but looking back, I don't know how fine I really was. I think I had my priorities a little screwed up. It's like I wanted to see how thin I could get. I wanted to push my thinness to the limit. I worked out a little, but not much. I didn't need to. The weight just shed off like crazy. I think this is where I started playing with fire a bit because I started thinking that as long as I eat raw foods I'll have a thin body and I'll never have to work out. But seriously.... That is the biggest lie. My thin body made me feel successful, but I was selfish to think that my body would get me so far. My hair was falling out and it's likely that I was deficient in vitamins because I would bruise easily and often I would feel light headed and weak. I told myself that these were signs of detoxification---which is probably partially true.... but not completely. I was so in love with raw foods that I didn't want to admit anything bad about the whole philosophy. I had my ultimate faith in raw foods so much that I didn't really care if my hair was falling out. I had the body of my dreams!! (That is not healthy thinking) I believe I was deficient. It's likely that I still am. It's likely that my hypothyroidism problem was triggered by eating raw. It's also likely that my lack of a period has to do with my low weight.

I'm not saying raw foods are bad. It just takes a lot of responsibility and wisdom to do it the right way. Transitioning into raw foods is harder than I thought. I'm forced to look at issues in my life that I have covered up and ignored in the past. Emotional issues. Not just body issues... but psychological and spiritual issues. Who the fuck am I and why am I doing this? Why are raw foods the answer? Why am I craving food? What do I really need? A much as it hurts to ask myself these questions, I'm eager to have the wisdom to keep going at this raw life. I want to know what is really hidden underneath all of my insecurities. I think raw food is a great way to understand who I really am, underneath all of my problems and issues. It's a way to uncover the truth inside of me. I want to be raw for life. I really want to follow a spiritual path and learn to love myself unconditionally.

BUT

It is wise to take it slow. Because I don't want to do anything out of egotistical desires. I've gotta keep it real. There is no doubt that I am on the path towards ultimate health. But I don't want to burn myself out by doing anything crazy and intense and then reverting back to old habits out of pure shock. This is the pattern that I've noticed in my life. Hard times trigger change for me. Up until now I have done extreme things because I'm hopeless and afraid. I am gullible and if I read about amazing instant results, I'm drawn in like a moth to the flame. Then... I get burned and fall to the ground again. However... This process does make me stronger. It just hurts to realize that easing into things better for everyone in the long run. And falling into a quick fix scheme creates an unhealthy obsession with whatever I'm buying into...it isolates me from people. It's a lot of ego and not a lot of truth.

I've talked with some friends about my juice feasting idea. Some of my friends were very excited with the idea. They applauded me for being so courageous and they all expressed that they would like to do it with me but for the first few days...not 3 months. =) But one special friend who has years of experience gave me some advice that was deeply rooted in sincere truth. She told me that I have many years to transition into raw food and that there's no rush. She also reminded me to do everything with love and ease. This advice, coming from a friend who I respect dearly, spoke to me in a very profound way. She is absolutely right. I could do a 92 day juice feast, but I'd be suffering. I have not been in raw foods long enough to smoothly ease into a 92 day juice feast. Hell no. I'd be suffering. It would not be pleasurable for the most part. Yeah, I'd lose weight and transform and experience a lot of healing, but for what? Her advice led me to question why I do the things I do. Why do I set unrealistic goals? I know exactly why. It's because I am at that place of fear and hopelessness and I want another quick fix. Again, it's my ego that makes me think I can jump into things to the extreme. I see where my friends are on their raw journeys and I want to be where they are. But I'm not ready yet. I have a long way to go...and a lot more to let go of. What would I do without my friends? I'd definitely be learning the hard way, that's for sure. Wisdom takes time to attain, but listening to wise people is very smart. I'm learning this. There comes a time to put away my sassy, young attitude and listen to those who are more experienced.

So... I've decided to try a juice feast, but for a shorter period of time. But before I even think about the details.... I need to clarify some stuff. Why am I doing a juice feast?? It took some serious contemplation to figure this one out. I wrote out a list and it started something like:
- lose weight
- re-establish 100% raw habits
- detoxify my body
- build my immune system
- heal my pulled hamstring
- heal my sprained ankle
- heal my back aches
- explore my artistic side
- meditate more; search for truth
- search for truth in my feelings and insecurities; confess

The thing that stood out the most for me here was truth. I've been deceiving myself. I'm noticing patterns I go through where I straight out lie to myself. It is very interesting how that works. Sometimes things can feel true because we want them to be true. But when in reality, haha..yeah right!!!

Buddha:
Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it. Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held. Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books. Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin. Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true. [paraphrased]

Let me see how this shorter juice feast goes. I'm going to listen to my body as well as I can. Here's the planned outline... subject to change =)

Today (25th) I have consumed only smoothies and green juice.
Tomorrow (26th) I plan on doing the same.

From December 27th (New Moon) - January 6th I will consume only fresh juices, teas, hemp milk, some hemp and/or coconut oil, Vitamineral Green and a daily multivitamin.

From January 7th - January 9th I will break the fast as outlined here:
http://juicefeasting.com/JuiceFeastingSpectrumIntro/BreakingtheJuiceFeast/tabid/324/Default.aspx

By January 10th (Full Moon) and on, I'll continue drinking green juice everyday and I'll be ready for solid, raw vegan foods.

(School starts on January 12th.)


So here it goes.

Disorders, Deficiencies, Delirium and Depression

Last night was my last cooked food binge. I don't want to talk about the details. Right now I want to focus on healing. Yesterday was very emotional for me. I didn't cry or anything, but I told myself that this life of raw food is the life I'm choosing to lead. Why is that emotional? Because sometimes I want to revert back to old ways...not because I think that is the best thing for me, but because it is my comfort zone. And lately it's been really tough to battle that craving. It's the easy way out. I am forced to ask myself why I'm feeling this way. It is uncomfortable to say the least. Do I really want to know how I really really feel? Or do I want to cover up all those emotions? The hard part lies in facing that question head on and answering it with a completely solid answer. I want to tell myself everythings okay. But it's not. So my mind goes back and forth, back and forth..."it's okay, it's not okay, it's okay..." The more I pretend it's okay, the more I cover up my emotions and the more they build up. But when I tell myself I'm not okay...I freak out and hide my emotions even more. So I'm either hiding my emotions...or covering them up by sedating myself by over eating. So when I ask myself, "what is wrong?" I know something is wrong, but I can't say what, because by then I'm completely numb. Does this even make sense? It's crazy I know. But I know that everything happens for a reason and there is indeed a reason for all of this mayhem in my brain. Everything that's bothering me I need to deal with. And at the right time, everything will fall into the right place and I'll get this stuff figured out. I know I can. First of all, my relationship with food needs to be re-established. I need to fast. I need to get all of this crap out of my system and just restart this whole raw thing the right way. The healthy way. But I need to make some stuff clear. I am healing my body, not punishing myself for anything I've done in the past. Yes, I'm fasting because I've been experiencing some difficulties with emotional binging and intense food cravings. No, I'm not saying that what I did was wrong. I'm not beating myself up over it. I'm establishing a balance and I'm fixing the problem. I get so frustrated when people think fasting is something people do to hurt themselves. Why do people think this?? Because of fear. People are afraid of disorders, delirium, deficiencies and depression. Stuff that happens when people are going through a healing crisis. I think it happens to everyone who cleanses or goes through a period of rapid change in their life. We recognize our problems (disorders) and we find out what we're missing in life (deficiencies). But we also experience intense emotions that lead us to realize truth (delirium) and we may become sad and confused because we didn't realize how bad things really were (depression). But our society is afraid of this and makes it seem like a really horrible bad thing...when really all of these things that happen are sacred components of the healing process. Society tells us that it's okay just to cover it all up with medication, shopping, junk food, sex and violence. I'm not saying everyone needs to endure great pain and suffering so they can feel better. I'm just saying that from my life so far, I've learned that pain is a clue that something needs to be acknowledged and remedied. It happens naturally. Covering it up just makes the problems bigger and bigger until you are forced to realize it. We repeat our mistakes until we learn from them. Let it happen, don't be afraid, embrace it, learn from it, accept it... and then DO SoMEtHinG about it. Learn!!! Arrrg. This makes me sooo mad for some reason. Probably because I am so eager to learn about myself and I'm so definitely OVER covering up my emotions. I'm so ready to live a life of purity, love and peace---naturally, by cleansing my body of unwanted blockages and allowing love to flow in. I will stop getting in my own way. Yes. =)

Friends and Food

Last Thursday I had the most wonderful meal with my friends Shanti, Shaun, Carrie and Mike. Shanti and Shaun whipped up some seriously yummy goodies. There was also an Italian theme, as you can see. We had pizza, pasta and ravioli. Butternut Squash was the star ingredient in all of the dishes. Here they are:

This one's mine. Cucumber avocado salad.

Empires

Ta dah!! The semester is over and now I have time to think about....cleansing and purifying myself. I am very excited. The time has come for me to take my health to the next level and fully engage in the healing process. While doing some research, I've found that that there is more than one exceptionally effective, or "best" way to detox. Many naturopaths and M.D.'s and other respected health professionals claim that their method is the ultimate. If there's one thing I dislike about the raw food lifestyle, it's that it's divided according to various philosophies because many leaders believe they are right and the others are wrong or at least far less superior then they are. The debate and criticism that arises from these "empires" gives me a headache. Saying that "I'm right and you're wrong" is not my thing to do. Can't we all just get along? Raw food is about peace and healing, isn't it? Then again, if leaders in the raw food movement failed to be proactive and assertive in their teachings, then perhaps the raw food movement wouldn't have as many followers as it does today. But quality is more important than quantity.


So it's time I sort out some thoughts and figure out what feels good to me.

To juice or not to juice?
Juicing removes the fiber from the vegetables and fruits, making liquid that is nutrient rich and easy to digest. The arguement is that juicing puts food in a form that is not natural. It is not a "whole food". It's just juice. Hmmm.... personally, I like juice. I'd rather drink green juice then spend hours chewing kale. Call me modern. I like the way juice makes me feel. It's hydrating. I love it.


I think juice feasting will work for me because I like being in abundance. I also want to be able to exercise during the cleansing process. I've been inspired by Bikram yoga and I see myself practicing it more and also see myself trying other types of yoga as well. The juice feast will put some restraint on what I am consuming and allow me to practice self-control and diligence. These are qualities that I yearn for, especially as I grow and mature as an individual. A lot of the Bikram philosophy revolves around self-discipline. I want to learn that more. Because as much as I value a free-spirit and open heart, I also realize the importance of determination and commitment. This takes time. =)

What about colon cleansing?
I know there is stuff in my colon right now that is really ugly. Yes, I want to see it come out of me. I trust that when the time is right, my body will let go and heal. Should I use colonics and/or enemas to achieve this? I don't know yet. I still feel unsettled on this choice. Let me just say, I am gullible, but I won't do something that doesn't feel right to me. So when I read books that say colon cleansing is "the shit", I believe them. But then when I read about other, less intrusive ways of cleansing and how they have also brought success, I have faith in that too. While reading Rich Anderson's book, I noticed that he takes a great deal of pride along with him when talking about how much he's released. He talks about how he was able to release MORE than his other friends who refused enemas. Now, let me just repeat here..... my morals tell me that quality is more important than quantity. I don't care who has the longest measure of mucoid plaque coming out of their butt. It's not a game. I mean, if you can pump out hardened fecal matter like Mauna Loa, then that's cool. Detoxing is really a personal, very sacred experience. It's about letting go of pride and ego and accepting love. I'm all for that. So thats my standard when it comes to cleansing. It's gotta be about loving my body and really connecting with myself with the cycles of my body. I don't want to force anything. Maybe that's my womanly nature peeking through.

I'm in the process of reading a great deal to prepare myself for the juice feast. But also, I'm going to spend my time now and for the next few weeks to really focus on my visions for the future. I see raw foods and juicing and abundant health staying in my life and becoming a part of who I am for the rest of my life. This is more than just a phase. I will not look back and say, "Oh yeah, I did raw foods for a year, been there done that." No. This awakening will last a lifetime if not more. I can feel it. =)

Wonderful December

Ahhh, yes...December. The word even sounds icy and refreshing. Deee-cem-brrrrrrrrrrr. Well, I must say, things are looking bright for me. I'm glad I got all of those emotions out in the previous post. I'm aware that there is probably more where that came from... I'm going with the flow. It seems as though my cries of desperation served me well. I am making healthier choices and I can feel a more positive energy inside of me now. Yesterday I ate:

water with lemon
shot of wheatgrass
glass of veggie juice (celery, cucumber, kale, wheatgrass, carrot)
power smoothie (banana, dates, carob, vanilla, Nutiva 50% protein powder) water
2 glasses of veggie juice (celery, cucumber, kale, lemon)
green smoothie (mango, banana, kale, orange)
Salad (pea shoot sprouts, alfalfa sprouts, baby greens, cucumber, cliantro, hemp seeds, sprouted cashews, hemp oil, olive oil, ginger, nama shoyu)
Banana Brazil nut wrap with buckwheaties...yumm-o
Late night fruit snack attack:
1 Persimmon
1 banana
3 dates
2 kiwis
1 orange

wow, that's a lot. I also did my first Bikram yoga class yesterday too, so the juice hydration was ideal. Wow, did I love that class. 90 min, 105 degrees. I haven't sweat like that in awhile. Good times.

What else is exciting...

Visit to see a naturopath. He has some products that may help with my hyperthyroidism and moon cycle loss.

Today...I'm doing a Nutiva demo at Lassens---how cool is that?!

More later. =)

Cravings and Contradicting Thoughts

It is time I address some issues---cravings. Excuse me if I am a bit descriptive here. I am writing this mostly for my own satisfaction, so if stuff comes out ugly, I warned you. I am a wild, uncontrollable woman right now who has crazy hormonal imbalances and hasn't had a period in over 4 months!!!! So... last August I discontinued my oral contraceptive, Yasmin. Why? Because drugs are evil and putting hormones into my body that aren't my OWN was starting to freak me out. The first 2 months after stopping I felt fine even though I didn't have a period. I felt luminous, full of energy...raw food was good, I was great, doing yoga 3 times a week--all smiles and sunshine. Then late August, trouble with my boyfriend...we break up, get back together then break up again. Then... getting into October and November...school is a little rough and time consuming. I don't have the time I'd like to make my dehydrated goodies and juice. I'm hanging out with friends who AREN'T raw. This really screws me up. But what can I say? I love my friends. It's not their fault. I get home late, starving. Eat whatever I have that is raw, which isn't much of anything really. Then cravings kick in, I want comfort, so I eat something, dare I say--cooked. Ahhh... panic, next morning I feel like crap. Tired, cloudy...moody. Why? Yes, I blame myself--guilt trippin...but also, even more so, the food makes my digestion SUCK ASS, so here I am...moody, bloated...with sucky BMs. Not a good combo. So I tell myself... never again. But then I do it again eventually. This pattern has continued on and off since about early October. Here's where contradictions come in. I'm thinking to myself..okay, I haven't had a period...maybe I'm too toxic, maybe I should eat something cooked to stop detoxing. Then I think...wow, I'm craving food like a crazy maniac, maybe I'm pms-ing, okay I'll pamper myself with something cooked. Then I'll eat something cooked... feel a sense of drug-like euphoria--then feel like hell, then think, wow I feel like crap yet I'm still not satisfied. Then I eat more, and more until I'm practically a balloon ready to pop. I'm seriously bulging out in my core....ewww. then I walk into the kitchen like a zombie, looking for more food. And I don't stop eating until I feel sick and can hardly walk comfortably to my bedroom to fall asleep. Okay...this is ugly. It's like I binge to the extreme. I've never in my life had an eating disorder, and now I feel like I am experiencing that kind of emotional pain. Food for comfort... food to supress emotions. It's ugly, it's insane... and I don't know how I let myself get here.

Well, then there's my mom. Who has given me mixed opinions about my raw food lifestyle. Sometimes she raves about me, saying how healthy I eat and how good the raw dishes I make taste. Then she'll say I'm too skinny. And look me up and down and give me a funny look. I feel sooooooo mad and frustrated because she is the one who has been telling me to gain weight. She thinks I'm not getting my period because I'm too skinny. What sucks is that I don't want to gain weight, yet I hear her voice inside my head telling me it's okay to gain weight when I go on binges. Well, guess what? I've gained weight and I feel crappy. I feel sluggish, I feel like a fat, hormonal FREAK. Occasionally I look at my ass in the mirror and I'm ever so slightly proud of it's "plump-ness". But then I look at my thighs and my stomach--which has lost it's toned--almost visible abs look to it, and I'm depressed about it. I WANT ABS!! Dammit. And I almost had them, too. My waist was tiny and defined and I was totally diggin it. I could see--the line!!! I had hardly any fat on my legs. Then, in the course of the last few months of binge eating, I gained the weight back. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay, so I'm not FAT in terms of like the average tall girl, I can still see some definition in my side abs but I'm not what I was before. I'm not 140lbs like I was over the summer. I'm....(sigh--let me go weigh myself now..) 157. That's 17 pounds...holy shit. Okay, so talk dramatic weight gain. When I started raw I was around 148-150. So I've gained a crapload of weight. This is all from binge eating cooked and raw food. Let me add, the cooked food I ate was all vegan. I binged on clif bars, cereals, pasta, bread, steamed veggies, soup, baked potato, cookies, pancakes, rice milk. Okay so I'm really proud that I didn't binge on any processed soy products, but the stuff I ate really fucked me up anyway. Whats the difference? Okay, so what really sucks is that I'm going through this binge thing, I talk to my mom about it. I'm a wreck, in tears... I feel desperate. I tell her I've been binging I tell her what I ate and how it made me feel. But then she tells me I'm not binging and that what i've eaten is not a lot of food and that I shouldn't worry about it. She doesn't understand, she thinks I'm crazy for thinking that I'm even binging in the first place. I fall to her level and start thinking the same way---fall into the binges easier, it doesn't help. It only makes things worse. It's easier for my "evil craving voice" to take control of my brain as I binge. It's like the evil witch with the apple taunting Snow White...except the apple is a pancake. I let it tell me that it's okay to eat whatever the hell I want. And then I wake up the next morning feeling ill, bloated, depressed, low energy, 5 pounds heavier and full of bitchassness. Only I know how I feel. Now I know this. It's hard to realize that in order to conquer cravings I need to talk to myself about it. Really TALK and LISTEN to what's going on in my body---and not rely on other people to have a shoulder to cry on. It's all about facing my fears--whatever they are. I know there is a deeper meaning to all of this. A deep, meaningful lesson to be learned. I guess to solve this I need to know why I am trying to cover up emotions and why I am stressed in the first place. Here's a few educated guesses:
-I'm horny, there, I said it.
-I'm sad because it's hard to be independent--without a boyfriend
-sleep deprivation
-confused because I thought I was going to move out this winter but those plans changed
-bummed because I took trig and chem over the summer and I got really overloaded with it and had to drop both classes with W's
-confused because I have no menstrual cycle
-confused about my body image
-flashbacks to hard times with bipolar disorder
-flashbacks to bad relationships
-flashbacks to embarrassing times
-no period
-crazy schedule
-Mom is weird
-the economy
-learning about really sad stuff in my Social Problems course
-being at school from 8:30-2, twice a week. This screws up my eating schedule.
-being around friends with drug addictions
-being around friends with psychological issues
-explaining and defending my raw lifestyle over and over
-trigonometry
-losing sight of my goals
-not having time for yoga and meditation everyday
-not having a fixed eating schedule

Okay, so that's a lot. So what am I going to do to make this better?
- have a fixed eating schedule
-make time for yoga/meditation everyday
-make a list of goals
-finish trig with a passing grade
-spend time with healthy friends
-be really stoked when the semester ends and my crazy schedule ends
-talk to my Mom and let go of the negativity I have towards her
-visualize an abundant economy
-forgive myself and others for past tramatic experiences
-visualize my perfect body: curvy, strong, toned and defined, glowing all over, full of energy, long shiny hair, electric eyes--YES
-forgive myself for withdrawing from classes last summer
-be open to change
-find peace in being independent
-allow myself at least 8 hours to sleep
-visualize my moon cycle working rhythmically and harmoniously
-LOVE myself

This is really corny and lame I know, but I function well when I organize things into lists.

So in the midst of all this chaos, I've decided I'm going to do a 92 day juice feast starting officially on Jan 1st. Obviously, there is a lot of emotion running through me right now, and I need some kind of resolution. I am on the path to lose all of that weight that my fear-driven subconscious urges have led me to gain. I need to face those fears head on and take charge. I do not want a cooked life... I want a living life. I want health. I want to be medication free. I want to reach a higher degree of spirituality. I want to be a happy person. I want perfect digestion. I want to feel like a goddess again. I want to be hydrated 24/7. I want to detox for good. I want to expand my health. I want to know myself inside and out. I want to know what I have hiding inside that needs to come out. I want to feel with all of my senses. I want to glow and attract peaceful energy wherever I go. I want to find peace in myself. I want to love myself.

I see all of this happening now. It is all expanding and it will continue to expand throughout my juice feast and throughout my eternal lifecycle.

I will post a before pic the day before I begin juice feasting. I'll blog about what juices I make and how I spend my days for the duration of the feast and after. I plan on doing yoga and working on my abs--I'll log my exercise habits too. My new years resolution is to have the abs of my dreams. =) I know that makes me sound like a totally selfish and vain person, but I don't care. Abs to me are a sign of excellent health and strength in the core of the body... where the energy resonates. So if I focus my attention there, I believe wonderful things will happen. I also want to be super flexible and I want to see how "cut" I can get, meaning super low body fat...while keeping my womanly figure. But most of all, I plan on reaching a level of self-love that I have yet to discover and I want to share it with everyone. I know it's there, It just needs to be discovered. I'm on my way there. I have a wonderful network of support on juicefeasting.com and I have an abundance of friends who will be helping me along the way. Just 20 more days of solid food!!! Let the countdown begin....

Crash =(

Today I was in a crash with 2 other cars. Nobody was hurt but it was a real wake up call. There was not much I could have done to avoid it. I did what I could and I slammed on my breaks. Slid into the car in front of me, which was also trying to stop fast. A second later, I get hit from behind. And by then I'm just happy to be okay. Breathing deeply. I look at the guy behind through my rear view mirror. We both sigh relief. We are both happy to be okay. The girl in the car in front of me was cool. No one blamed anyone. We were just reminded to be aware. I know from now on I will focus on the moment. Live in the moment. Pay attention. Rid myself of worry. Rid myself of past and future anxieties. Pray for forgiveness and be here now.



I am reminded

by crashing pains, in abrupt ways

When I'm stuck in the eye of a hurricane

time wipes away my days

Life has it's ways of telling me

When it's time to take it slow

Move along with patience

let it all go

I knew this would happen

I could see it all along

How could I be so careless?

In the center I feel strong

Stop getting in the way

and let my mind be free

Rid myself of complications

open my eyes to see

What can I learn from this?

What does this mean?

Deep in my heart is truth

Useless possessions I forsake

I flow with the violent waves

that constantly give and take

If it's bitter at the start

I know it's sweeter in the end

I'll let the impact move me

and learn how to bend

A 2 day Fast

Yesterday and the day before, I fasted with water and the Master Cleanser (water, lemon juice, cayenne, minus the maple syrup). It was my first experience fasting. I've skipped meals many times, so I felt that it was time to take it to the next level. My reasons were:

- to purify and heal my body

- eliminate cravings for salty/rich raw foods

- honor all of the people in the World who are suffering

- lose a few pounds

- increase awareness

I broke the fast today with 3 ripe persimmons. I plan to increase my consumption of vegetable juices from now on...aiming for at least 2 servings of green juice per day. I'm reading Norman Walker's Fresh Vegetable and Fruit Juices, and I'll be following some of his formulas as I feel appropriate.

I'm planning on getting a job soon so that I can afford to see a naturopathic/holistic physician and get some hydrotherapy--finally. My parents are choosing not to support me financially on these avenues, but I respect that. If it means getting a part-time job, I'm down. American Apparel just opened in downtown Ventura... hmmm

I'm also reading Cleanse and Purify Thyself by Rich Anderson. I find this book to be very informative. But it is clear that Anderson is really annoyed with the current state of health and medical care. He criticizes...all throughout his book. His venting kinda gives me a headache. But he has good intentions. If I knew all that he knows, I'd be stressing too. I'd be furious! Anyhow, it has successfully opened my eyes wide to the importance of internal cleansing. Here I go...

As if those books aren't already cram packed with knowledge, I'm also reading Iyengar's Light on Life. It's so important for me to have a well-rounded outlook on things. His work helps me understand the multi-colored facets of life and reminds me how my raw journey is synergistically intertwined with yoga and overall health. I love yoga. During my 2 day fast, I practiced yoga both days. I have inspired myself to practice yoga as often as possible, ideally once a day, in the morning.

And one more... Tonya Zavasta's Quantum Eating. Not quite sure if I'm ready for a 2pm curfew. I tried it for four days and I felt pretty good but it didn't last. Not in my house when I can smell my Dad frying potatoes and soy chorizo at 7:30 pm!! Her philosophy is logical, but it's definitely designed for the more advanced raw fooder. Someday, I will be elevated to that level. =)

What would I do without Rawsome! by Brigitte Mars. I love this book!! The raw foods encyclopedia in it is sooo convenient. My kinda reading-- quick and to the point. It's written very well.

So, I guess I have my little entourage of guidance. It seems the more I read, the more wisdom I have. Duh. I guess I'm just trippin out because I'm usually not fond of reading. I'm prone to let information go in one ear and out the other. And I'm super critical of other people's writing. I get annoyed easily when something is written in a confusing way. Often times I will rephrase the sentence in my head to my likings. Does anyone else do this or am I just crazy? Now that I actually have a passion for something...I read all the time and I am constantly accumulating information. Funny thing is, despite my likelihood to get irked by poorly worded writing, I'm very gullible. I'll admit, I believe almost anything unless I've read or heard contradicting information. On the subject of raw food, it's easy to believe in the entire philosophy because it's common sense to me. So I automatically have an open mind with all books pertaining to or advocating the raw lifestyle. Okay, so I'm not gullible...cancel that. I'm open minded....YES!

School is almost over. Trig is a pain, hopefully I can pass with a C and get in Precalculus in the Spring. But I understand most of it. Trig has really shifted my way of looking at things. Circles, triangles....not just linear things. It's fun.

Wisdom.

Too personal for this blog...

Staying raw is difficult, but I am inclined to continue on this path. Raw food is what inspired me to get off of medication and live a life of purity and self-awareness. I can't give that up. What is so difficult now is that it is the time to celebrate the holidays with family. Last year, I was a SAD person, and I ate many servings of turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie on thanksgiving. This year, I am very, very far from SAD. I am a raw-vegan. It's not that I feel embarrassment or resentment when saying that's who I am now. It's more of a feeling of shock. I am literally shocked out of my mind that I have come this far. I feel so detached and isolated sometimes. Thinking about thanksgiving this year, all I can come to foresee is that I will feel distant from family. More distant than ever before. Not just because of the food, but because my outlook on life is so much different now. I am a more spiritual person. I have more knowledge about food and nutrition embedded in my brain than probably all of my family members combined. All I know is this.... the raw food life is going to take many years for me to adapt to. It takes strength and courage to do it. I want to live this life in a healthful manner and I want to learn how to do it without sabotaging myself. I must ease into this lifestyle with acceptance and gratitude and positive vibes. Up until now I have been bitter with thoughts of isolation or desperation at times. Being a raw foodist is not easy, but it is a wonderful journey. It's a learning experience. I know I will come out of these hard times with strength and wisdom. The best part is that I'm not alone-- I am so lucky to have friends and faith to help me along the way.

So maybe thanksgiving will be a positive experience. The food of my past will be there. I will have to see it, smell it and watch my family eat it with smiles and laughter. But inside I will be smiling too, because I know that what I'm doing is good for my body, mind and spirit. Eating raw-vegan is my way of finding balance. It makes me happy. This holiday I can focus on accepting the things (including food) that make my family happy... because that's all that really matters. I just want everyone to be happy... including myself.

Sorry I'm ranting on and on. I haven't had the chance to express myself lately. There is so much more happening in my life right now that is too personal for me to talk about in this blog. But I can say that I feel fairly level-headed despite the chaos. Being off medication is a big part of my raw food journey too. I have to remind myself to be easy on myself sometimes. My stress spectrum is far wider than the average person. That is what bipolar disorder is... it's the ability to endure great amounts of stress on a broader scale than the average person. This is why bipolar people become manic and depressive. They do not know where the stress ends... because it keeps on going. A normal person under a great deal of stress would say, "Okay it's time to take a break, I'm going to relax today." But a bipolar person would say, "I can do this, it's nothing. I'm fine." A bipolar person would continue accumulating stress to the extreme level...not because he or she is stupid or irresponsible, but because he or she literally feels no stress. Many people assume that bipolar disorder is a disease of immature complainers. It is not. Bipolar people are some of the hardest and most passionate workers and thinkers. I'm not saying this to take pride in "my disability", I'm just trying to understand this myself. I know I handle things differently than others. I know that I contemplate the problems of the world everyday and I check to make sure I'm doing my part to help. I care about a lot of shit that people pretend isn't happening. Like mass starvation, torture and genocide. I carry that with me and I cry sometimes knowing that I can only do so much. I try my best to make sure I stay sane so that I can help other people. I'm lucky to be alive. I'm lucky to have friends who care a lot about me. I try to be grateful, loving and kind with everything I do because I know other people in this world need me to be strong.

Pumpkin Puddin-Pie

Ingredients: Pumpkin, dates, raisins, young coconut meat, young coconut water, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, ground flax seed, pecan butter, almonds, agave and luvv...I forgot ginger but next time I try this I'll add some. =)

A House Full of Happiness and Overflowing with Abundance

Last night, I had my first raw potluck experience and it was out of this world!! I met so many wonderful people and the energy was amazing. The food was amazing. Ojai is amazing. My new raw friends are amazing. How wonderful it is to be in the presence of like-minded people? The world seems to move for you. The stars seem to shine for you. The people seem to glow for you. Pure, real live happiness. Everyone on this planet deserves the right to experience this remarkable feeling of union and love between friends. It is not only entertaining, but healing. I am so grateful to have these friends, this community and this life.

Here are the bombdizzle mini burgers that Shanti and Shaun made so lovingly...

Here is my "Mexican Rice"...spiced cabbage dish...

Fall into action...make peace a reality

Life is busy but I'm managing well. Yesterday I voted for Cynthia McKinney. I'm happy that Obama won, though. Our nation is now filled with hope. We must use that hope to carry ourselves into action. The motivation is glowing inside of me and I am feeling the urge to do something about it. I "hope"( http://www.thefreedictionary.com/hope ) that everyone else feels the same. Because we cannot simply "hope" or "expect" that a new president is going to magically make everything better. We need everyone to stand up for peace, equality and freedom. We need activism, we need communication, we need knowledge and most of all...we need some luvv. =)

"Community organization" and leadership is what we need.

Change takes action and courage and the American people must put their material possessions and egoistic desires aside and come together for a common goal.

I like how Dhrumil put it on http://www.welikeitraw.com/rawfood/:

Everyday you have the opportunity to vote. In fact, everyday you are voting whether you realize it or not. Every dollar you spend is a vote. Where you place your attention is a vote. When you invest time in your personal development, that's a vote too. A small but growing population of people are voting consciously. Those conscious voters are the real change that's transforming our world. Elected officials, at their best, can be a reflection of that grassroots change. Does this mean voting today at the booth isn't important? Of course not. That's important too, but no where near as important as the votes you cast daily with how you live. Yes I voted today, but I'm also going to do my best to be conscious about how I vote everyday.

For a quick update, here's what has happened and is happening in my life:

• First Kirtan experience...awesome


• First concert...Rise Against, Thrice and Alkaline Trio, at the Hollywood Palladium...amazing


• Starting a new club at VC...excited


• Starting to understand trig...omg


• I now officially consider myself a citizen activist


• Raw food is freakin magical


• Currently ending a colon cleanse


• On Halloween I made a scrumptious pumpkin pie...I'll post pix soon


• I also dressed up as a hippie love child... I didn't need to buy my costume, it was already in my closet! haha


• I was stressed a bit the last few weeks, but I'm feeling so much better now thanks to the loving support of my friends


• Raw potluck is coming up...I'm ecstatic

More soon....Luv ya

Gabby

Pie!!

Pumpkin Spice Life Pie... by Earth Cafe. Delish. Go buy one.

Bugliosi

Last Friday I saw Vincent Bugliosi speak at the Poinsettia Pavilion and realized that we need to bring Bush's lies out to the public and do something about it. Bugliosi is a famous lawyer who is going to prosecute Bush for murder in the federal court. I'm not a violent person and I certainly do not support the death penalty, but I acknowledge that in order to know what is right in this world we gotta know whats wrong. Bush lied to get the American people into this war and now thousands of U.S. soldiers are dead and many thousands of innocent Middle Eastern civilians are dead as well. It was not a war based on self-defense because we attacked Iraq first. Bush said we were going to get Saddam Hussein but in reality, he had NOTHING to do with 9/11 and he had no plans of attacking the U.S.-- but he was an enemy of Bush and his family. Yeah, there are weapons of mass destruction in the Middle East... and all over the world. I believe the war is an example of how the U.S. is still an imperialistic country that wants to conquer sovereign (independent; self-governing) nations and gain power and wealth. It makes me so sad to know that but it is true and it's up to us to realize that and change it before its too late. Is it too late? All I know is that we better recognize this and not forget it because we need to show that the American people are not stupid and that we stand for peace, justice and equality among many other great things. We can't let powerful, wealthy people run the country by telling lies and taking our lives and money away. Seriously, we are a democracy- the people are the supreme power. Come on now people...do something.

BaLaNce

I'm in search of balance at this time in my life. School is pretty easy, although I must admit that Trig takes some extra time to comprehend. Other than that I have A's in all of my classes, ( a B in trig). Things are going smoothly as I transition into the season and get used to the general flow of the semester schedule. In past semesters, by the time it seems like a normal routine it is half way through already and nearing towards finals week. Guess it's better just to live in a constant state of flexibility. Getting comfortable and settling into a routine is good I suppose. I have an obsession with routine actions. I guess it keeps me from getting thrown off the path. All I want right now is to be fine with the state of things and accept things how they are and not get paranoid with things that are less than perfect... like getting B's. As much as I want to keep my 3.88 GPA up there, it is a small sacrifice compared to a full out meltdown. I often speculate that my bipolar disorder in closely linked to obsessive- compulsive disorder (OCD) . I find that when I don't have things as they were in the past, little irrelevant things like the way I organize my binder for school--the kind of dividers I have or the way I highlight the syllabi for each of my classes, I get distraught. It helps me to have some kind of method of organization to rely on, yet I take it too far and get overwhelmed if things are not perfect the way they were before and the way they "should be". Call me OCD. I guess I'm paranoid because I have memories of mania/depression when I completely failed to organize things in my life. So I force myself to be organized in overdrive and feel bad if I'm not doing things as planned or in order because it's a signal that I am going crazy. People might think that I am just an organized person. But I haven't always been this super organized. In fact, throughout my childhood from kindergarten to about the fifth or sixth grade, it didn't really matter to me how organized I was. I was a free-spirited, wild, awkward, tall girl with glasses and funky hair. I had the security that things would always work out in life. I didn't have many fears or bad experiences. In the end, I have always been a fairly positive and open minded person, save a few times in my life of severe depression and mania. I just hope I will not fear-monger myself into this OCD trap. I guess acceptance is the goal here. And... acceptance is hard. I have to accept my past and all of the weird, irrational, embarrassing and abusive things I've done. That is not easy. Sometimes I cannot even think about the past let alone accept it. It hurts too much to even begin to think about it. But it only gets easier with time and as I remove these memories out of my current self-image. I thought of something very descriptive today while talking with a friend. It went something like this: After I had my episodes it seemed that my idea of life and my self-image went from a full-color picture to black and white. I didn't recover right away, and things got worse before they got better. My black and white image was becoming more and more shaded with gray as the actual picture, this picture that I once had of my life and values and goals and dreams, became harder and harder to identify. I was trying to numb the pain by pretending that the picture was not important anymore and that I was never going to be the same so it didn't matter anyway. It wasn't until it turned completely gray and absent of any life at all when I found love and hope to restore it. I don't know how and I don't know why or what got into me, but something in this universe gave me a bit of color back, bit by bit. Truth is, I am still restoring the initial picture I had for myself. It is there underneath the slashes and holes that I've beaten into it. I am rediscovering it everyday. I am realizing how much I hated this work of art I had planned and set out for myself and in what ways I abused it. I am finding things about myself as I restore my image of full spectrum color and glowing vibrancy. Each section needs replenishing in different ways, some things are easily accepted and other things take more time. Like any major restoration project, the work begins from the inside out, but the only way to do it in the first place is to realize the potential of the piece of art. We must know ourselves and the "self-art" we wish to share with others. I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for John who helped me realize my potential and shed light on my previous accomplishments. He gave me the chance to show him and myself who I want to be. I owe my inspiration to him. My recovery wouldn't be happening if my parents and family weren't here to support me. I love them with all my heart. I will always be grateful that I have so many loving people in my life who want me to find peace and succeed. My heart goes out to those who have gone through mental illness and are struggling to find hope. I know in my heart that there is enough hope to go around in this world and I pray that people who feel empty and worthless inside will find their inspiration and rediscover their true potential.


My conclusion is that being grateful of the blessings in my life will help me find balance. I should never forget how lucky I am to be alive today. This simple reminder is powerful enough to bring harmony to even the most frazzled conditions I find myself in. Life is a gift. Thank you God.

Goals for Fall

Okay, so I know it's not fall quite yet....but isn't this picture beautiful? I hope someday I can live where the leaves actually turn orange, red and yellow like this.
I've decided that on the first day of fall I'm making an all raw pumpkin pie. I want it to be creamy, a bit fluffy and with that perfect amount of spices. Mmmm... I will definitely post a picture.
I'm going to set a few goals for myself to reach this season. Since I have a pretty light course load this semester, I have more time to focus on other things. Here they are:

• gardening- I want to plant something edible
• VC cafeteria project- I really need to get this into gear and dedicate some serious time
• mastering the most perfect raw comfort foods, like pasta, breads and pumpkin pie of course
• cruising around on my bike, just cuz
• researching Ayurveda and other holistic health practices
• finding good music that I really like
• meditation and soul searching
• dance- I'm taking belly-salsa lessons
• researching universities

I am really lucky to be able to do all of these things without worrying about money or time. I have a lot to be grateful for.

Update: I feel good about where I am right now and everything is fine. I feel very honest and self-assured about my life. I am glad I'm not taking medication, it makes me feel like I am actually healing.... =)

I'm a tough cookie.

Autumn is almost here- the Autumnal Equinox (when day and night are nearly equal in length) is September 22. Fall always gives me a good feeling. It's a feeling kinda like when you've been at the beach swimming for a long time and you go home and take a hot shower and cozy up in the living room with some hearty food and a loving family. It's like: ahh... summer was fun but I'm gonna get myself nice and comfortable now. I love fall. Unfortunately, as the seasons change, viruses spread and people are sneezing and coughing like mad. Catching a cold sometime in fall or winter is nearly inevitable. So naturally, last Friday I caught a bug. I am feeling fairly well now, although I have a pretty phlegmy cough. I did not take any medication...even with a fever of 102.4!!! I hadn't had a fever in years. According to the Mayo Clinic, a fever isn't considered dangerous unless it is over 103 degrees. It also isn't considered an illness, rather it plays a "key role" in fighting off infection like the flu I am fighting off. So fever-lowering drugs like ibuprofen are saying, "Body, you can't do it on your own!" I want to empower my body... so I'm not gonna be a little bitch and take medicine if I don't need to.
Instead, I drank some carrot-apple-kale juice and I munched on a little bit of fruit. I took food-state multivitamins. I spent most of the weekend resting, and now I am feeling a lot better. I am a tough cookie indeed.

Green is Good

After months of contemplating which political party I would join, last spring I decided to join the Greens. The Green Party is the only political party that doesn't rely on corporate interests/money/greed. However, the real reason I was driven to become Green was because the Green Party's objectives are easy to understand and they all match up with my beliefs. One important objective that the Greens are known for is non-violent conflict resolution. I do not see this as a priority for the Democrats or Republicans. Both McCain and Obama are going to keep the troops in Iraq until 2012 last time I heard. War/occupation of a country does not give me a sense of security-- it does the opposite-- it makes me emotionally insecure about my abilities to be peaceful with others. We cannot kill people to show that killing is wrong. It just doesn't work. Also, the Green Party gives the chance for ordinary people to have a say in things. This sort of "grassroots" organization allows people to express themselves from the heart within and explain what they really want to see happen. A lot of people think that grassroot organizations do not have the potential to make it big in this world because they do not get enough media attention, they're poorly organized and they just plain out don't have the money to support a campain... If people think this then they are cheating their own belief system. There are no short-cuts towards obtaining the kind of solutions we want in our country. Money will only get us so far. The Green Party has more than wonderful solutions for the United States-- it has moral values that are universal. Looky here:

http://www.gp.org/tenkey.shtml

And don't let me forget... another thing I absolutely LOVE about the Green Party is that they put things in language that everyone can understand. No confusing large words that are tricky to define. It is truly the Party for the people who want to understand... not listen and be hypnotized by the television and newspapers. I don't want to watch CSPAN for hours just to begin to comprehend politics. I want to have a clear understanding of what I am supporting. I cannot understand Democrats and Republicans so that's why I am Green.

Sure, both parties have excellent ideas and goals. It's just that the Green Party has a more clear cut explanation as to how we as a country can achieve them peacefully. Politics should be used as a tool to find peace from conflict. In my book, nothing is more important than living peacefully and sharing peace with others. I can only do this by staying true to myself and my values, so Green it is.

Please, please, please listen to Pacifica radio's Green Party Convention coverage on kpfk.org
I am proud to say that I listen to KPFK everyday. One day early this summer I was driving to class and thinking, I am sick and tired of listening to crap on the radio, I want real crap. Miraculously, within seconds of thinking this in absolute dispair, I noticed a car with a KPFK 90.7 bumper sticker. Since then I have been a loyal listener and I even donated $25 of my birthday money to support their wonderful gift of true, honest media.

Update on being drug free:
I feel more and more peaceful, calm and relaxed. I am able to express myself with clarity and I feel more comfortable just being "me". I feel responsible for my emotions and actions. Life is good.

Alcyone (al-sigh-oh-nee)

I just learned that Alcyone is the center at which our sun revolves, according to many experts. I received much of this information from Secrets of an Alkaline Body, The New Science of Colloidal Biology by Annie Padden Jubb and David Jubb, a book given to me by Juliano, the famous and genius raw food chef last Tuesday--long story. Some of the information also came from the Internet. I don't really care about the validity of this because I am not declaring it true or false, I just find it interesting. So we are on the Earth, which is rotating on it's axis. Our moon revolves around us. The Earth, along with the other planets in our system, revolve around the sun. Our solar system, centered at the sun, revolves around Alcyone, which lies within the Pleiades star cluster near the center of the galaxy. Think "revolve", think "revolution". So when the solar system travels around Alcyone one time, it is called the procession of the equinoxes. Every 25,920 years or so we think, Earth makes an ellipse (oval) around Alcyone. Therefore, at times we are close to Alcyone, the center of the universe, and at times we are very far away from it. There is a video demonstrating this concept found here: http://www.alchemy2012.com/
Okay so, nobody really knows if Alcyone is the exact star... but many people believe it is with great confidence. More info here: http://www.spraci.com/boards/melbourne/melbourne/95005.html
In geology class last year, I was amazed to learn about polar shifts--when Earth's north and south poles shift somewhat erratically. I had no idea that they were related to the concept of procession because we discussed it briefly. Both scientific and spiritual explanations of polar shifts differ greatly and no substantial evidence can prove how, why or when they happen. Many hypothesize that polar shifts cause a great deal of physical changes in Earth's structure. According to Jubb and Jubb, each phase of evolution during the procession of the equinoxes "affects Earth changes like ice ages, pole shifts, and rapid evolution, or the digressing evolution of conciousness for the people; most remarkably our memory patterns, rates of cultural development, and technological advancement." Wow. This is crazy. So right now and for the past 900 years, we have been moving towards the awakening part of the journey, toward the center of the sun's rotation, Alcyone... which ironically sounds similar to Al (Hebrew article) Zion (cyon means center, as does Zion). Anyway... this is all crazy talk, but newsflash: science/life/spirituality/whatever you wanna call it is crazy.
We are all life forms of this universe so what we think must be connected to what we are, thus our thoughts are connected to our origin (the divine forces, God and/or the like) ... So no thoughts or opinions should be ridiculed or written off as insane. Peace begins with patience and understanding, that's what I try my best to live by.
The ancient civilizations of Maya, China, Iraq, India and Egypt all acknowledge the cosmos and the concept of procession and 2 suns. Astrology is also an important part in this cycle because every year we transition through the 12 constellations. I have always loved astrology and now I can see a connection.
More on this later. Peace!

Who I am vs. Who am I

As of Monday, August 4th, I am no longer taking Lithuim or any other prescription drug. I'm 100% drug free!! As expected, I feel the same, but maybe a tad less light-headed. My gut-feeling told me that it was time to get off Lithium. Logically, it makes sense to not take any drugs while on a lifelong detox, such as the raw food diet. I feel like I have accomplished something major in my life, yet nobody really knows about it. I guess it is a personal accomplishment. I feel content and I honor myself for making this choice. Being off medication answers the question that I think many mentally ill people ask themselves: Who am I? It's obvious why this question is asked. I have asked it many times, both through depression and through mania and even when feeling stable. But being off medication, along with other factors like recovery, talk-therapy, etc., the question changes into an answer: I am who I am. That's the truth, no strings attached. It is what it is and I deal with it gracefully.

Annoying Vegan Propaganda a.k.a. THE TRUTH

"I'm sorry" is what I hear when I see my mom dip her non-organic veggies in Kraft ranch dressing. She is smiling and looking straight at me and it is so annoying but I just let it go and pretend I don't care. Is it really worth my time and energy to stop and lecture about how I should be the one saying sorry to her? Yeah, I'm sorry you're eating old, fatty cow tit juice with hydrogenated oil and high fructose corn syrup. I'm really, really sorry you have to eat that crap, Mom. Yuck.

It is really hard to live with non-vegans. Really really hard. My mom calls herself vegetarian--she still eats eggs and dairy and sometimes fish. This "transition stage" is frustrating for me because I went vegan overnight after reading Skinny Bitch. I think taking baby steps is a waste of time and it shows how a person is afraid of the truth. I know and care a lot about what I eat and seeing my parents eat crap annoys me. There, I said it. Finally, after being fairly calm and breezy about it for months.

“There are three classes of people: those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see.” - Leonardo da Vinci

I'm seriously considering having a dinner party for my birthday and showing the documentary Earthlings. It is so frustrating when people are ignorant of what they put in their mouth. I don't want to be mean, I just want people to know. But then there is the:

"Well, I drink organic milk and besides drinking milk doesn't kill the cow, and I need the protein, wah, wah, wah".
Drinking milk is gross, and maybe you're not killing the cow, but you are stealing it's calf's food. Yes, they feed fake, "formula" to baby cows because we are busy milking the mothers for all they've got and there is no mommy and me time for the cows. And, they slaughter dairy cows too. The mad cow disease case in Chino, CA awhile back was from a tortured, exhausted cow that was originally a dairy cow. I have more information about dairy in a research paper I wrote. If anyone is interested please email me.

"We only buy free-range eggs and chicken."
And what defines free-range? A 10x10 plot of muddy grass? Do you even know? And eggs. How would a mother feel if it's babies were stolen from her on a regular basis? I think I would go crazy. Guess what? Thats exactly what happens to the chickens-- they go crazy. Eating eggs is just like stealing babies, except it's legal and you get to cook the baby too.

"We are omnivores and we're meant to eat some meat."
I've said this many times: we are omnivores because we have a choice, so make good choices please. Our evolution depends on it.

"I don't eat red meat and I eat a lot of fish."
So... You think you're healthy or something? Look, that modification doesn't mean anything to me. Have you swam in the ocean lately? The water is filthy. And fisheries along the Mississippi River just got slobbered with a mega oil spill. Some fish are taken out of the water so fast that their insides pop out of their mouth from all the pressure. Sounds appetizing.

"I can't give up meat. I love steak and ribs."
Well good for you, you've found a love for something. Here's a secret: it's the spices, salt, fat and barbecue sauce you love, not the meat. Trust me. Nobody loves the meat. We torture cows and pigs, we don't love them. Think about it, would you slaughter a cow or pig yourself for some ribs and fries? Would you? I mean, slit it's throat, let it bleed awhile, skin it, take out its organs, and all the rest... while the poor animal is crying out for help. Would you take responsibility for that? I really hope not. There is imitation meat that tastes just as good as real meat, try it and get used to it.

"I'm a man."
Big man no eat meat. Meat no good for man. Rahhh! (Then I do a special tribal dance.)

DANCE!

The bloating is gone! Woo hoo! No more sickness, no more nausea and I'm in a good mood! Plus, today was the last day of summer chem lab class. After the experience, I have realized that chemistry is not a subject I like as much as I as thought I would. I think I like biology better. Chemistry was very difficult for me to understand, I don't know if it was the instructor or me, but all I know is that chemistry involves a lot of rigorous studying and memorizing. So, I'm not taking chemistry in the fall and I'll be taking it in the spring. As for the rest of the summer, I will be spending my time trying new recipes, doing yoga and maybe I'll even start taking dance classes again.

When I took hiphop dance classes last year, I opened up a new avenue for myself. I am very nervous on stage, public speaking is not my thing and I'm not a natural performer, but dancing gives me confidence. Last year I took a Spanish class and our final project was to do a 10 minute conversation with a partner in front of the class. I think my presentation was the best one, because I wasn't very nervous! I think it was all of the dancing that gave me the ability to shake my anxiety and focus. So, thats one reason why I want to go back to dance class--to get my nervous energy out. Also, I just like the way dancing makes me feel, and I like dancing with girls who like dancing as much as I do. It's just fun!

A Tough Lesson

After dinner on day one of camping I started to feel bloated and as the days progressed, it didn't get any better. My boyfriend John and I ate veggie burgers, Kettle Cooked chips and s'mores in abundance. I did bring fresh fruit and frozen veggies, but the majority of our diet consisted of vegan junk. I didn't feel satisfied yet my appetite seemed to vanish completely, causing me to overeat. The food didn't seem to bother John of course, but it was pretty difficult for me to adapt to the change.
I'm looking back and thinking that the sudden change was probably very dangerous to my health--it was a foolish thing to do. On the last night, the third night, I woke up at three o'clock in the morning feeling sick to my stomach. The day we arrived home, I ate mostly raw, but my stomach didn't seem to want to handle my normal 3 meals a day routine, (I still felt bloated and stuffed from the junk) so I snacked on fruit, a small salad and nut butter. That night, which was last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and vomited. Clearly, my body wants to stay raw. The good news is that I am doing better today and I have decided to stick to the raw food diet for good, even on my next camping adventure. I guess I thought eating raw while camping would be a hassle. But, after this experience I am prepared and willing to eat raw no matter what. Besides, cooking food is more of a hassle than biting into a fresh, organic fruit or vegetable. Yum!
This was a difficult lesson to learn, but my body isn't gonna lie to me when it feels like crap. It has it's ways of teaching. Gee body, thanks for the vomit. I am sticking to raw food now I promise!

Affirmation of the week: My body is detoxified, pure and balanced.

P.S. I had Synergy's Raw Organic Raspberry Rush Kombucha Tea today and it helped my stomach. It was a pleasant discovery and I'm very grateful for it. Check it out: http://www.gtskombucha.com/

My First Henna Tattoo!

Things are...good. I am starting to feel a bit different now with less lithium in my system. I feel happier and a bit more easygoing. Physically, things have been okay. Most of the time I feel fine, but I've been getting dizzy and often times I feel tired. These symptoms could be from a number of things, but for now I'm going to see if they pass over time.
I'm just starting to realize how important this time in my life is. I feel happy and calm most of the time, but I worry about the future. I just need to take it slow and listen to my body.
I went to Venice Beach last weekend and got a henna tattoo of a lotus flower with the om symbol in the center. It represents balance in my life. Also, it represents growth and the beauty of overcoming hard times. I also think it's cool it's on my hand because on my regular dosage of lithium my hands would shake and now they don't as much. So the tattoo kind of reminds me that I'm progressing.
I'm working hard to stick to my raw diet, however this weekend I'll be camping so I'm gonna indulge in a veggie burger and some vegan s'mores. Yes, they make vegan marshmallows. I'm very excited! The next few days I'll be eating like 75% raw so that the camping diet isn't a shock to my system. Don't worry, I will remain loyal to my rawsome rawness as soon as I get back from the trip! Yay camping!

MADE IN THE USA

I have been reluctant to buy products made in China or other countries other than the US for many reasons. First, buying these items supports the injustices brought to the millions of people who work in crowded, toxic, dirty factories with hardly any food and long hours. As long as there is a demand for cheap products, there will be sweatshops. Two, buying products from other countries takes business away from the American people, creating unemployment. Third, outsourcing increases our dependence on foreign oil because we have to ship things across the globe. Fourth, quality is better than quantity--I'd rather own one fair-trade or USA-made organic cotton shirt than an infinite supply of sweatshop made products.

Some would say, "Oh well those people are so poor, they love to actually have the opportunity to work." No, these people are like slaves. I can't imagine slaves wanting to be slaves, can you? Of course they want a better life and of course they are working to improve their lives. But, as long as we buy their products, they will never find a better quality of life.

I was watching a show the other day on the economic situation in China. They talked about the two parts of China-- China A and China B. One is successful, innovative, cutting-edge. The other is extremely engulfed in poverty. Yet they feed off of each other in this vicious cycle we call the "economy". Somehow, I don't understand.

The only logical thing I can do is buy products that are made in the USA or products that I know are fair-trade certified. It is a big step and it's not easy, but it is very important to me and I want to set a good example. I am buying my clothes from American Apparel and I'm on the hunt for USA-made products and also things that are fair trade.

Wowie Cacaowie!

I think most people would agree that chocolate is one of the best foods on earth. So, when I became raw, cacao was one of the first things I bought. The only brand I have tried so far is David Wolfe's Sunfood Nutrition - Raw Cacao Nibs. It is amazing. Try it now. Blend it with water, banana, ice and coconut butter in a blender to make a delicious chocolate shake. The nutritional lowdown on cacao can be found on the website: www.sunfood.com
It has iron, magnesium, the highest concentration of antioxidants of any food...wow... and lots of other really good stuff.

With that said, I think it is time I record a bit of my progress. I have now been raw for over a month and I am feeling fantastic. Whats really amazing is that I don't crave cooked food anymore. First off, I banished my meat and dairy cravings a long time ago. Never again will I eat an animal-derived product; when I smell meat cooking I want to throw up. I really thought I would be craving bread or starchy food, but that hasn't happened either. I look at bread as a very processed food. Really I just find myself loving fruit and salads. It just comes down to feeling good and eating food that isn't dead.
As far as detoxification and spirituality goes, I feel I am on the right track. It can be hard to accept detoxification as a way of life, but it is really essential. I am lucky to have a supportive family, even though they might not always understand. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my therapist who will help me with this journey. It is extremely important that during the process of discontinuing lithium I have someone to talk to. So far I have been quite calm and attentive, I don't feel any significant changes. Yoga is helping.

Seek not happiness too greedily, and be not fearful of happiness.

Lao-tzu

Lithium

Mental health is really not something I take for granted. I am bipolar, which means I have the capacity to experience extremely high levels of stress, leading to symptoms of mania and depression, usually in cycles. A lot of people think that mental disorders are preventable and that taking medication is a sign of weakness. I don't agree or disagree with this philosophy but I'd rather look at it another way. I think that bipolar people are indeed different than non-bipolar people because they are genetically structured to be that way. I believe it is a gift to be able to think in extremes. Not everyone can naturally hallucinate, for instance. However, when a bipolar person is unstable and unable to function in society, the medication issue arises. The question is: Can a bipolar person arrange their life so that mental stability is achieved through balanced diet, exercise and talk therapy? I hope so.

Without medication managing biological processes within the brain, our bodies have the chance to heal the problem naturally, a sort of "evolution" happens. The body is an amazing thing and it is just as intelligent as the mind itself. Bringing body in align with the mind is important, thats why everyone in general should listen and make sure mind isn't ruling body or vise versa. We all have our physical and mental limitations. In the bipolar case, mental "energy" exceeds the physical capacities of the body. Aiming to keep the body and mind balanced is really my goal as a bipolar person. Even on lithium I experience times where I need to stop and consider: Am I tired? Hungry? Anxious? Because when I am in a mind over body state, things like these are forgotten and my body pays the consequences.

Now you might be asking, What does this have to do with the raw food diet? Well, since adopting this lifestyle a month ago, I noticed that my level of salt intake decreased significantly. Anyone who knows about lithium knows that it replaces salt in the body, so if there is not a lot of salt in the body, then the lithium levels can become toxic. I know this, so when I went on the raw food diet I asked myself, Do I really want to continue taking this medication if it could lead to toxicity? I didn't find myself craving salty foods, in fact, saltier foods made me feel icky.

Of course, most raw foodists would never take prescription drugs of any kind and the reason is clear: The Body Can Heal. I would like to believe that 100% but when I was diagnosed and experienced a manic episode it was scary and horrible. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't function, I was crying a lot, I didn't sleep, I was obsessive about astrology, and I became angry and irritated when I would try to explain things and nobody would listen or try to understand (I felt like I got a lot of blank stares and silence or occasional laughter whenever I said something). Strange thing is I had a lot of energy. But I didn't know how to get stable and I thought I would be better in a hospital. Nope. I was locked in a room and then sedated--like an animal. I will never know what a natural, drug-free recovery would have been like, but probably better because I can't see what would have been worse than my hospital experience. I definitely know what I don't want.

So this leads to my conclusion. For months I've been considering discontinuing lithium. There are several reasons for this:
- body can heal the mind
I want my body to know how to heal itself without the help of medication, but with the help of diet, exercise, talk therapy, etc.
-the raw food diet is low sodium, which is dangerous for lithium users
I want to eat my best--that is a low sodium, raw diet
-side effects
Hand shaking, headaches, frequent urination, possible thyroid issues, dizzy spells, the list goes on...and on. I want to give my body a break!
-to know and love myself for who I really am
-I want to learn coping mechanisms for this disorder. I want to feel it and know how to deal with it, not cover it up.

I've decided to (with the help of my psychiatrist and therapist) lower my lithium dose from 600mg to 300mg. I'll be doing this for awhile and I'll reassess. If it means making major life adjustments, I'm all for it. I feel that my body is ready. Wish me luck!

Hello!!!

Raw Fruitalicious Pie
I made this while visiting my grandparents in AZ and they loved it. I eyeballed the amounts of everything; it's not that difficult to make adjustments to a raw pie, anythings good. I don't have a dehydrator yet so the nut crust was soft but nonetheless yummy. The dish is an authentic "Pi" plate and it belongs to my grandpa who is a retired geologist.

Crust:
medjool dates
cashews
pecans
Filling:
fruit of choice (I went crazy with peaches, banana, blueberries, strawberries and apples)
juice of an orange
juice of 1/2 lemon
cinnamon
For the crust, blend ingredients in food processor until well combined. Press into pie plate or individual bowls and stick in freezer while preparing the filling. Cut the fruit if needed into small bite size pieces and place in a large bowl (reserving some of the fruit to decorate the top of the pie if you want). Toss with the orange/lemon juice and cinnamon. Dump the fruit onto the pie crust and make it look pretty, (or not) and eat!

Yay, the first post! The concept of the raw food diet is pretty simple--eat mostly raw, organic vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds and sprouted grains. Of course, it is a vegan diet, which means no animal products. (Although many raw food enthusiasts eat raw honey from local, trustworthy sources that are committed to maintaining bee populations.) I chose the raw food diet after being vegan for about six months. I wanted a change and I wanted to feel healthier. Even more so, I wanted to break my sugar cravings and stop eating vegan junk food. So I went to the bookstore and bought Rawsome by Brigitte Mars. Wow, this book is really helpful for anyone considering going raw. Very informative. So after reading her book, I adopted the diet and now it has been a bit over a month. I feel lighter, cleaner, more positive and my health is better than ever. Not to mention my nails are way stronger and I have less breakouts.
So I guess the next question would be: What do I eat? Well, fruit in the morning, lots of veggies for lunch, even more veggies for dinner and snacks as often as I need them. I love nut butters. I eat Better Than Roasted brand Almond-Pecan Butter with banana and raisins and it's so delicious. There are so many recipes for me to try, so I'll be posting pictures in the future.
I'm pretty lucky because I live by a health food store and my local farmers' market sells sprouts and lots of organic fruits and veggies. Having fresh produce is really essential to this lifestyle. It is so much fun to try new fruits and veggies. Last month I had my first cherimoya fruit and it was amazing.

Again--I'm really glad I went raw. I just want to share my raw food journey with everyone out there who is interested. I hope this blog is helpful!